Are you tribal?
I went for a long walk this morning with my friend Amy, catching each other up on all things career and personal, and when I got to the part about how the holidays used up my last nerve because I was always around so many people, she said, “It’s a good thing you never had kids.”
I’ve already had that thought many times the past few years, so that didn’t hurt my feelings in the least.
Amy said, “You and I are very different. I could happily live in a tent with a hundred other people for a year, and you wouldn’t last a day. I’m tribal. You’re not.”
Never thought of it that way. But isn’t that true? Some of us love the commotion of crowds, the noise, the laughter, the physical intrusions. Some of us, like me, can take it in small doses, but then we need to retreat to someplace quiet and solitary for a while to recover. And when that’s not possible, you notice your sense of humor going, and you get a little snappish, and next thing you know you’re telling everyone to please get out of the house for a while and figure out how to feed themselves and just stop talking, please, and let all the air come back into the room. And these are people you like, mind you, but there’s only so much some of us can take. Some of us really liked the womb and still see no reason why we had to leave such a warm, calm place.
I’d like to do a little survey of the readers out there: Are you tribal, or not? And for those of you who have kids, do you agree with Amy that if you’re not tribal to begin with, you’d better learn to be or your kids will always drive you crazy? (Maybe they do even if you are tribal. I’d like to know that, too.)
Technorati Tags: Parenting, Children, Families, Relationships
January 11th, 2007 at 10:49 am
I’m not tribal! I’m also clausterphobic, so I need my space. My fiance is ready for kids (he is five years older than me), but truthfully, they scare me!! I think I’m too selfish for kids right now. Is that wrong?
January 11th, 2007 at 11:01 am
Not wrong by me. I like that I only have to take care of a dog and a husband. Not necessarily in that order.
January 11th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Not tribal like my cats. Give me attention on my terms, then leave me alone.
January 11th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
Ha! Perfect parallel.
January 11th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Sometimes I like the dog more than my fiance! But she’s just so darn loving!! And she’s always excited to see me! I love that!
January 11th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Non-tribal. So is my wife. Our social tolerance is 2 hours and then we’re out of there. And that applies to her family and friends. We both definitely were a feline in a previous life. Hey maybe that was where we first met.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
i’ve been known to mutter to my husband when i’m in A Mood that i hate people. definitely not tribal. gotsa have my silence on a regular basis. and i have two children, and, well, sure they drive me crazy sometimes. i’m human. i do look forward to the day when they can understand me telling them i need a bit of solitude and why, but in the meantime - while they’re at this young, young age — i just have to be very patient!
January 11th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Jules, I admire you for giving up your space to your offspring. Hope it won’t be long before they learn the phrase, “Mommy needs to go in her cave now. No bother Mommy.”
Herb, it’s good when two non-tribals meet. You spy each other across a crowded room, each of you desperate to get away from everyone . . .
January 11th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
From what I see in the responses so far, are people involved in the creative process mostly non-tribal? Yes Robin we were hanging with the pride, she looked at me, I flicked my tail …
January 11th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Good question, Herb. Maybe it depends on the art. I imagine actors are a lot more gregarious than writers, but who knows?
I heard an interview with Annette Bening where she talked about how shy she is. She said when she’s on stage or on a movie set, she can be completely on and outgoing, but once she hits her private life, she likes to shrink back into the shadows and not be noticed.
Some writers hate to tour, hate to speak in public or do readings. I’m looking forward to it, but I know I’ll have to pace myself. I can be a lot of fun in small doses. If I’m required to be on stage for too long, though, we’re all going to suffer.
January 11th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
When I first read the title, I thought you were asking who was Jewish…
January 11th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
Hmmm… your website forget me again.
I’m totally tribal, to the point that I think this career is a tough choice for me, since it’s so isolated.
But it’s also why I think I tend to write stories about *groups* of people, rather than just one person.
January 11th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Lizzie, ha! I didn’t even think of that. Answer whichever question you like.
Diana, how interesting. There goes Herb’s theory. But I like yours about why you write about groups, rather than individuals.
No wonder you’re such a great party host. You actually like having people around. Now it’s all starting to make sense.
January 11th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Well, dear friend, I am honored that I am now being quoted for more than recipes and expletives over our president’s speech last night. It is fascinating to read how many people are non-tribal from the responses you have received. I wonder if there is a parallel to being introverted or extroverted? It is such fun to be blogged!!!
January 11th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Amy, you keep spinning out great lines like that and I’ll quote you all day long.
As for introverted vs. extroverted, I always wonder how many people are purely either. I know a lot of people who have their on and off positions–introverted most of the time, but able to be outgoing when the occasion calls for it.
Anyone out there want to identify themselves as solely intro or extro?
January 11th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
i’m totally tribal as long as I get to pick its members. and lizzie darlin’, you are so darn adorable–just remember we are all the children of abraham and i quess tribal whether we chose to be or not.
January 11th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
p.s. speaking of “the tribe”, where the heck has bj been??
January 11th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
This definitely NON-tribal type has been cooped in her cave and churning out a Young Adult Fiction Writer Website and an Underwater Photographer’s website, just to name two out of six or so that have launched in the last couple weeks.
Annette, I’ve got a project I want your help on, if you’ve some time. Drop me a line through my website. The project is called GreenSpeak. Anyone else who is intrigued is welcome to inquire as well.
Herb, I think you’re onto something re the creativity and non-tribal thing. I think us creative types have to venture out into the world to get our “fix” of vision, but we need the cave time to develop that vision as “ours”. Funny too, that many of us have “familiars” of one sort or another. Or both.
I grew up in a dysfunctional and definitely TRIBAL family. You other non-tribal types– what type of family? The kind you wanted to run screaming away from? Or were you nurtured to be non-tribal?
January 11th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Oo, good question, BJ. My family is pretty tribal at my generational level, but my niece and nephew are non-tribal like me. They’re the ones who come whisper to me during Thanksgiving dinner, “Do you want to go play checkers?” They are my people.
What about the rest of you?
January 12th, 2007 at 8:26 am
non-tribal with child…
I was baffled when my non-tribal wife wanted to stay home full-time. I tried reminding her that she doesn’t like people.
It’s been a challenge as two non-tribals raising a child, who is probably non-tribal, too, but at 4 2/3 is still tribal.
Robin - On the MBTI I’m extroverted, but I love my alone time. I’m an ENFJ.
January 12th, 2007 at 8:33 am
Grrrr. I know I should get it, but what’s “MBTI” and “ENFJ”?
January 12th, 2007 at 8:49 am
No, not necessarily, but you can google it. It’s the Myers Briggs type. Some call it psuedo psychology, but it divides people up into 16 types based on four key traits.
I think it is really useful for writers to understand. While this may not be scientific enough for scientists, it certainly is great for understanding that certain people value certain things differently.
ENFJ is the acronym of my four traits.
Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Judge
January 12th, 2007 at 8:52 am
I once had a problem with a feeling judge. He’s since been removed from the bench.
Bah-dum-bum.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Well as a teacher, I am tribal but I do get my fill of people and need my alone time. Both of my daughters are like that too. We like to be with people as long as we get that time alone. Younger daughter needs the time to dance in front of the mirror. Older daughter from the time she was walking would go off and play by herself for a half hour or more.
We live up on a mountain so we can get away from the madding crowd or is maddening crowd?
January 12th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
I know “madding crowd” is the correct English, but “maddening crowd” describes it better for me.
January 13th, 2007 at 9:37 am
The last time I took the test was high school, and I was an INFP, but I bet that’s changed in a decade.
January 13th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Okay, I give up. Inhibited something Feeling something.
And how does being inhibited mesh with your party-giving persona?
January 13th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Robin, watch the capitals.
1. Extroverted or Introverted
2. Sensing or iNtuitive
3. Thinking or Feeling
4. Judging or Perceiving
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html
“INFPs are usually talented writers.”
Robin, more than likely you too are an INFP or maybe INFJ. It does seem like Diana has probably grown to an ENFP or ENFJ.
Here’s a test.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Or if you just want to read the differences and pick.
http://www.personalitytype.com/quiz.asp
January 13th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Sure, I could have looked it all up myself, but this way I get to keep working on my rewrites while you go out there and answer my questions for me.
I owe you. When you’re in the heat of your novel, let me know what I can figure out for you.
January 13th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
“An ENFP who has “gone wrong” may be quite manipulative - and very good it.”
I think we have your type.
January 13th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Ha! As if! I am a peasant-faced puppy dog. What you see is what you get.