Battle of Should, Part 2
I was kind of surprised nobody bit at my P.S. from that post a few days ago. But I’m interested in your thoughts on it, so here it is again:
P.S. Part of this is also learning how not to tell other people what they should do. And if you don’t think that’s hard . . .
Okay, so I’ve been *trying* to give up this part for a few years now. I try to catch myself being bossy, but sometimes it’s so natural it just comes out before I notice.
Because of course I know how everyone else should act, eat, dress, etc. I’m an expert.
My husband shouldn’t eat so many peanuts because they’re pure fat. My brother should get more sleep. My father-in-law should hire a cleaning lady. President Bush should . . . oh, that would take too long. You get the idea. I can hide it all under the guise of “I’m only saying this because I care about you” (well, not really when it comes to the last person on that list), but the fact remains I am telling other people how to live. And it seems to me that if I’m going to take a stand against other people’s shoulds, I’ve got to give up the habit myself.
But what about when you KNOW you’re right? So dang hard!
Thoughts, please.
Technorati Tags: Warriors in the Battle of Should
Rule 1 of being a Space Lord – KNOW EVERYTHING
Rule 2 of being a Space Lord – DON’T MICRO MANAGE
You not shoulding people is like the Sun not rising. Sure it’s going to happen someday, but likely we’ll all be destroyed in the process.
And yeah, your FIL should hire a cleaning service. And there is no problem in telling him such, but he won’t because he likes to spend his money at Hooters all you can eat wings on Tuesdays.
Boy, I’m good at this too! Especially when it comes to my husband’s eating habits. (: Sounds like you are familiar with that. I think all this came quite naturally to me being the ambitious oldest child. I also like to think I’ve gotten much better about it over the years. Now, rather than speaking my bossiness aloud, much of the time I’m able to keep it in my head! But not always. Pretty self-righteous, huh, to think I’ve got everyone else’s life all figured out?
Kelley, I think you, like me, really do have everyone else’s lives all figured out. It’s so hard to keep quiet, when clearly we are right all the time. Sigh.
Patrick, your rule #2 looks so good, but doesn’t even the Space Lord have trouble with this sometimes? You see us little bitty humans making so many mistakes–don’t you just want to butt in and tell us how to get it right?
Hooters chicken wings make me want to hurl! (Not that I eat chicken anymore, but the one time I did eat their wings I woke up and realized that their business was NEVER about the food. Yes, I am that stupid.)
I’d be happy with just having my characters’ lives figured out.
I do not think the problem lies with telling people what they should or should not do but that they don’t slap themselfs on the forehead and say “Your right and I’m going to change right now.” Ever time you let “should” leave your mouth your setting up yourself for rejection. So how good are you at accepting rejection?
I don’t think Robin’s FIL eats wings at Hooters. I bet he can not eat and stare at the same time.
When you want to tell someone what they ’should’ do, back up and start your sentence with ‘You might want to consider…’, thus giving them a choice, and maybe opening a good discussion…
Just a thought that sometimes works for me.
Judy
PS Patrick’ rules are good. Must be his good upbringing that helped him learn those, as well as apply them.
Judy
It drives me crazy when people tell me what I should be doing, especially when it’s about little things. True life example, from people who will remain nameless:
Them: “You want coffee?”
Me: “No, I still don’t drink coffee since yesterday, but thank you.”
Them: At the next meal “You want coffee? You should have some. It’s really good.”
Me: “No, I haven’t started in the past four hours. But thanks for the offer.”
I’ve become very sensitive to this issue through a significant amount of first-hand experience, so I think I’m pretty good about not doing it to other people.
Except for the whole “You should read to your kids. You really really should. Here are some books that I bought you, in case you don’t have enough in your house.” In that, I admit that the strength of my convictions outweighs my desire not to tell other people what to do. It’s not so easy, is it?
Are you sure you do this, Robin? Really? I’m not buying it. (Plus peanuts are really good for you!) You don’t seem the pushy sort to me.
I’m not sure when I understood that people just don’t change very easily. I definitely understood this by college. Like Jen, I HATE being told what to do. I do like advice, but only when I’m seeking it
Heck, I barely tell my kids what they should and shouldn’t do. Only my poor battered self gets the “you shoulds” from me.
What I hate is to be told to “chill,” that I should chillax when, really, perhaps I’m just feeling passionate about a topic. Really, for someone to tell me that I should “just chill” downright pisses me off.
Some blogger recently wrote about this — his or her hatred for being told that, too — his or her dislike for the phrase “calm down.” But I can’t remember where I read this.
Good story. The end. ….if I remember, I’ll post it again.
I’m still thinking about this post. I walk around “should”ing people in my head all the time. I really don’t like most people. Seriously. I guess I’m a bit of a misanthrope, but I digress. Or maybe it’s that I’m a big ‘ol liberal living in the mostly conversative South, a place I love, but still . . .
And when I ask myself exactly WHY I blog, I come up with all kinds of excuses when I think really and TRULY that, hands down, the primary reason I blog – if I’m honest with myself – is ’cause I think everyone should read what I do. I mean, really, honestly…..isn’t that the inherent bottom line in a lot of literature blogging? There’s the community aspect, etc. etc. Yes, that’s all true for me, and I love it. But when I ask myself: why did I start blogging to begin with?, my answer is, honestly, that I want to tell people: “These are my tastes, and I’m telling you that you should read this fabulous book.”
If I could keep parents from buying crap-ass books for their kids, I would. Should should should. There’s a lot of bad children’s lit out there. It’s all about the should-ing, though I tell myself it’s to keep up with children’s lit while I’m temporarily away from librarianship (it’s that, too, but that’s subordinate to my should’ing).
This comment is all over the place. Sorry. Do with it what you must
But Jen, have you tried the really really good coffee? Because if you had, you would want coffee. Do you want coffee now?
Robin, Right and Wrong are matters of perspective. You should read more Sarte and Camus.
My most favorite conversation with my mom begin with her saying, “I don’t like to give unsolicited advice, but…”
And maybe he should just eat dry-roasted peanuts? They have significantly less fat.
If you want someone to boss around, get a cat.
Well, depends what it is you’re on your friends or family member about, but choosing which battles are worth fighting and phrasing them as a question makes it gentler. As in “My friend, I love you and know you ended up in the hospital again last week with dangerously elevated blood pressure. Did the doctor say it was okay to eat that breakfast of sausage, homefries and eggs?” instead of “You shouldn’t eat that.”
Just my way of doing things. Most times. When I remember. Unless the governor broke on my mouth again.
“If you want someone to boss around, get a cat.”
Ohmigod, there has to be a new term invented for that. It isn’t QUITE an oxymoron, though close. Nor is it a nonsequitur. hmm . . . oops, sorry, gotta run, my cat just demanded I feed him . . . *Briggsy, can you get the claws outta my leg? Please? Pretty please?*
Thanks for the suggestion of trying the really really good coffee, Patrick. That helps a lot. (grin)
The coffee in my example is Armenian coffee, if that makes any difference to the story (which it does, if you know any Armenians).
Herb, I didn’t say he eats them…
I’m giving Jules props for that honest answer. And I’m also going to be contrarian and say that sometimes, I like to be told I should do something. Like when Jules says I should read a book, or start a blog, I completely accept that. And if my husband says I should take a break and go take a nap, or he pulls over to buy me some dark chocolate because I’m crabby, I like that, too. And when Robin orders me to do one nice thing for myself and report it on Fridays, I’m not pissed.
I realize that “should” is a loaded word, and not the best way to give advice, but still, as long as the should-er and the should-ee can be kind about it, I think a little bossiness between friends is a good thing. Otherwise, we get so wrapped up in making the same mistakes and seeing the same things that we never leave our own little rutted path, which, face it, is dug there by several OTHER shoulds that we can’t even hear anymore because they’re so ingrained.
Heather, of course you went there for the food. Of course you did. we believe you.
Thanks, Sara. Not to mention I’m the mother of two young children, and in the wise words of a friend of mine (who used to be my teacher), parents have to be the one sturdy thing that keeps kids from hurdling over the abyss into total self-absorption and immediate gratification of every desire. The “should”s are important for us right now (though I’m sure Robin is talking adult to adult here, not adult to very young child).
Judy I use the “you might want to consider” with my adult daughters so I don’t come across too bossy. You know I really want to tell them what to do but I want to keep an open relationship even more.
Its awfully hard to walk that fine line….
I phrase as “persistently reminding” rather than “bossing”. I especially do this with my friends. It’s quite fun!
Jen, your coffee situation cracks me up! Especially your (I assume interior) answers to the constant pressure. You are my hero. (Plus you made me laugh–thank you!)
Judy and Readerdiane, “you might want to consider” is pretty covert. Good strategy, but I’m still trying to quit. And Judy, obviously you brought up the Space Lord right. We’re all thankful.
Katie (sis), do your friends let you get away with that? “Persistently reminding” sounds like nagging (which I also love to do) to me.
Heather, I believe you.
Sara, I see your point. And maybe we should carve out that friend exception, since I genuinely do appreciate it when I get great advice from my friends. But usually I’m asking for it, too, so that makes it okay.
I agree that Jules’s honesty on this and other matters is always refreshing. Not buying that you’re a misanthrope, Jules, but if you say so. And yeah, I see the hidden agenda of all us bloggers: Do this, read this, because I say so. I hadn’t really thought of that. But I know I do it, you do it–we all get hyped about books we love. So why shouldn’t we be bossy when it comes to that?
P.S. Jules: How much do I love the phrase “crap-ass books”? Thank you for that.
Kelly, it’s sweet that you can’t see the utter bossiness in me. I am a prime offender. I mean *was*. Was. Working on it here. I admire your restraint with your kids. They will love you forever.
BJ, I can totally picture you saying something like that. You’re the friend people call when they want it given to them straight. We all need a friend like that.
Molly, are you saying you don’t mind the opener “I don’t like to give unsolicited advice”? Or was it just okay that one particular time because of the advice your mom gave?
Patrick, I’m sorry, but I’d rather gouge out my eyes than read Sartre and Camus at this point in my life. Gee, did that come off too strong?
Herb, no comment. But thanks for yours.
I’m in with Jules on this one. I can exercise all the shoulds I want with my little kids and get it all out of my system before I deal with adults. Because, let’s face it, no one ever wants to hear, “You should do this.” If they’re anything like me, they’ll rebel and do the opposite.
Sometimes I get away with it because I mean well and my friends know it. Other times, they simply nag back.
I don’t even know who those two people are, I just like the sounds of their names.
Jules: Not only do I hate being told to “chill out” but also being told to “cheer up.” If it were that easy, I would have cheered up already. Grizzle, grumble, growl.
You guys should mellow on the whole ‘chill out’ thing.
I thought I’d posted a rambling post in reply this morning, but looks as if I did something dim, and it went someplace else. But I just read today’s post on The Yarn Harlot’s blog, which cracked me up, and is totally relevant. Scroll down past the photo of the gorgeous baby to see a bunch of really nice women (and expert knitters) fighting the urge to make another (also expert knitter) do things The Right Way. Three things