Conceptual gayness
I grew up Baptist. Fundamentalist Baptist. Consider of all the things you think that might mean.
One of them is it took a long, long, LONG time until I could accept homosexuality. And as with many prejudices, the thing that finally cured me was finding out that someone I love is gay. Suddenly all my preconceptions–big sinner, going to hell, evil, sick, damned for all eternity, all those other kind, loving Christian thoughts–flew out the door. Because you can’t hate someone you loved two seconds ago, before you found out who they are.
So I’ve had to start unraveling that part of my DNA–the little Baptist girl part of me that still seems to affect so much of my thinking, no matter how much I try to pretend it doesn’t. It’s why I won’t go to a yoga class where people chant or bow to Buddha or doing anything else that smacks of idol worship. It’s why I don’t say “God damn it” or otherwise take the Lord’s name in vain. It’s why I feel weird about even glancing at a horoscope, because that’s clearly divination. I don’t know if these things seem ridiculous to other people, but they are firmly entrenched in my brain.
So here I am, whistling along, thinking I’ve gotten over whatever issues I used to have with gayness, and then I read a friend’s profile on MySpace, and I see that she’s identified her sexual orientation as “Bi.” And I’m right back to it. I can feel myself recoil. Why? Is it because I don’t believe her? I think she’s just saying it or doing it to be trendy, as opposed to some other person who I know was born that way? Or is it because I do believe her, and I don’t want to accept it?
Which makes me think I haven’t come so far after all. Maybe the only thing I’ve accepted is the concept of gayness–the fact that some people are, and that’s their right, and it’s not my business to judge them any more than it’s their business to judge me. Maybe that’s just step one, and I’m still stuck there.
To be fair, it’s not like I want to know too much about anyone’s sex life. And finding out someone is gay or bi automatically makes me think about sex. Maybe it’s back to the little Baptist girl in me, so shocked by all things carnal.
So there’s my Friday confession. All I can say is I’m working on it.
Technorati Tags: Religion, Christianity, Homosexual, Gay, Homosexuality, Fundamentalism
April 28th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
I think you hit the nail on the head right at the end there — homosexuality is disturbing to so many people because it strikes right at the heart of something that is almost rabidly personal and (by its very definition) passionately held: sexual identity. The mere existence of it is enough to make some hets question their own heterosexuality and they don’t want to do that. And in many instances, they don’t want to think about sex, period, because they’ve been told it’s dirty, disgusting, whatever, so homosexuality — to them — takes that feeling of “Ick” and multiplies it.
April 29th, 2006 at 4:33 pm
FYI, my gay friends find Fundamentalism and its straitjacket attitude to be Ick to the nth degree . . . and most of them are much more monogamous and much more loyal to their significant others than most religious folks I know.
I guess we all have some things to work on, huh?
April 29th, 2006 at 4:59 pm
Well, BJ, I agree with your gay friends, so there’s that. And in case it wasn’t clear in my original comment, the “Ick” was for “many instances” of “some hets,” not for me. Personally, I don’t care. Never have.
My grandparents had a plethora of gay friends when they were a young couple in the 50’s. When my uncle came out of the closet, they used to take him around to their friends — many of whom had been together for DECADES — as a way of showing him that there was nothing wrong with him and that he shouldn’t feel ashamed of himself. That always stuck with me.