Don’t care for the boyfriend
Okay, here’s the situation: there is someone you love, maybe a friend or a sister or a niece or whatever. And she called you all excited about a month ago to announce she’s finally ditched the no-good, cheating boyfriend.
“Yay!” you both say, and you spend the rest of the conversation talking about “taking back my power” and “feel so light and free” and “can finally stop walking on eggshells around him,” and so on.
And then for the past week or so this person you love hasn’t been returning your phone calls. Or your e-mails. And because you are SO tuned in, you instinctively know what’s happened.
And so yesterday you finally make contact and you come right out with it: “You got back together with him, didn’t you?”
Nervous chuckle from friend/loved one. “Well, yeah. I was gonna tell you.”
“Hm.”
And then this whole explanation about how realized when she ran into him last weekend that she missed him so much, and then they started talking, and what he said made a lot of sense, and really, it turns out she was just as much to blame as he was–
“For him sleeping around?”
But you don’t say that, because that would be *rude.*
And there’s an event coming up where you and friend/loved one will be celebrating, and she asks, “Can Scumbag come?” Only she doesn’t say that, of course, you just hear that.
“Sure,” you say, because you want to be a SPORT and all, and you don’t want to seem judgmental and all, but–
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
But I know that you all are far more socially ept than I am, so I’m sure you have a way of dealing with this besides my method, which has been imagining all the things I want to say to Cheater Man when he’s sitting across the table from me. Things like, “What’s it like to have to go back to wearing condoms with my friend here, just because you had to go slutting around? What’s that? You’re not wearing condoms? Don’t you LOVE HER??” and other fun things like that.
But. I know you’d do better. So teach me.
Technorati Tags: What To Say To Your Friend’s Cheating Boyfriend While Sharing An Appetizer
April 18th, 2007 at 10:02 am
My big problem whenever I’m in a situation like this is that I have become the “evil person” because of course, as soon as Friend gets back together with Scumbag, she says, “Well, Diana thinks you’re an asshole,” and then tells him all the stuff we both said when I was trying to help Friend get over her little broken heart and then Scumbag KNOWS I don’t approve of him and then Friend, in her denial process, decides that I’m actually an evil bitch trying to break the two of them up.
Also, cheating is an unforgiveable curse to me. So likely I would make those kind of comments at the social event. I mean, he already thinks I’m the devil for trying to split the two of them up. And really, what’s the fun of being branded Beezlebub if you don’t get to work it?
Maybe I’m not the “eptest” person to be discussing this with, though.
April 18th, 2007 at 10:06 am
See, I’m with you, Diana. Cheating is the unforgivable sin. As in, “You never get to hear my lovely voice or see my lovely face ever again,” complete, absolute shunning.
And especially with the disease picture of today. Not a joking matter.
But what you described is exactly the problem: now YOU are the evil one. But don’t you still believe in your heart that another breakup is coming, and so you just keep quiet until that happens, and go through the whole, “Yay!” discussion again?
April 18th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Well, this is a tough one.
The way I know I’d handle it (which may be right or wrong, and any approach carries its own upside and downside, the way I see things) is that I would keep my damn mouth shut around her, maybe after a single comment such as “It’s your decision to make, I hope you’re making the right one, and I’m here for you whatever happens” (which would take every bit of willpower I possess) and make sure when I’m in the room with him and only him, and in a situation where no one else can overhear, let out some zingers to put him on notice that if he hurts her again he will have to DEAL WITH ME. And that DEALING WITH ME would be a HIGHLY UNPLEASANT AND DETRIMENTAL EXPERIENCE involving a change of pitch in his speaking apparatus. A PERMANENT change. Up at least a register or two.
My behavior toward him when there’s people around would be pleasant and gracious to the max (though there might be some clever ways to impart reminders in code of said future soprano status, that only you and he would understand.)
April 18th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Actually, I pretty much never say anything to the person about their boyfriend ever again, and if they start to complain to me about his awful behavior, I shut it down quick since “I told you so,” never sounds right. And neither does, “Well, you knew this when you went back to him, you idiot.”
However, I do have one friend who went through a brief breakup with her boyfriend (not cheating, commitment issues) and he wanted her back and was like, “I’ll change” and I was *so* skeptical, but she went back and, to his credit, he did totally change and now he’s a model partner, so I had to eat my words there. And I’m really glad they did get back together, because they’re very happy now.
So I’m usually careful about whether I am “skeptical but supportive” or I’m “this guy is a total jerk. Lose him.”
April 18th, 2007 at 10:44 am
As the Space Lord, I don’t like to micro-manage other people’s lives. Therefore, I let them live without comment.
If advice is asked, I simply respond with questions that have the obvious conclusions that I have already come to.
Personally, I’m still baffled at Hillary staying with Bill. Not gonna happen in my relationship. Other relationships are not mine, therefore not required to live to my standards.
Being a friend is about being there to pick them up when they fall. If they keep jumping down the same hole, eventually, you just have to walk away, no matter how much you love them other than their hole-jumping-habit.
April 18th, 2007 at 11:16 am
I’ve learned to never bad mouth the bad boy until the divorce is final. You’ll end up being branded the bitch. And even then, divorced couples can reunite.
And I know this will come as a surprise, but cheating isn’t my unforgivable sin. Physical abuse is.
April 18th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Heather, are you saying cheating is OK for you? I permit you to have more than 1 unforgivable.
April 18th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Mini-vans and fuzzy toilet seats are unforgivable in my relationship.
April 18th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Okay, yes, Heather…. abuse is much more…. what’s the level after unforgiveable?
April 18th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
What’s wrong with fuzzy toilet seats? Don’t our butts deserve some cush?
Heather, I second Patrick’s comment: go ahead and have at least two unforgivables. I agree that physical abuse has to be one of them.
Diana, thanks for the additional story. I’ve never seen a breakup improve the relationship, but I’m sure it does happen.
BJ, you are MUCH scarier than I could ever pretend to be. Please be my friend and protector always.
April 18th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
That one wasn’t mine. I’m married to a germ-o-phobe.
But, generally, the seat covers are annoying for guys because the seat doesn’t stay up for the duration…
I dislike the squishy seats, but not enough to put them on the unforgivable list.
April 18th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Lol. I don’t encourage or condone adultry, but I think I could forgive it. Unless it became a repeat offense. I say this because I have kids and my hubs and I both come from divorced families. If I could work through it for my children, I would.
(My hubs is NOT a cheater, btw.)
And Patrick, I drive a mini-van. It was nice knowing you.
April 18th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Oh, that just means I won’t marry you. I think you and I are still ok.
April 18th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Robin,
I know you’re dying to use words to solve this situation…I mean you’re a writer and a (former?) lawyer, right? But I agree with Diana’s “shut down the conversation” approach when the topic of HIM comes up. You can be nice about it: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m the right person to talk to about this. All the things you told me before just keep playing in my head and I can’t get over them.”
I also suspect that complaining about HIM gives your friend a bit of temporary relief, so she fools herself into thinking she’s actually DONE something about what’s bothering her. Kinda like bitchin’ about writing instead of writing!
Of course, venting can be a good thing in a marriage…don’t wanna break up over every little thing, just vent and go on…but in this case, I think silence might help her confront (and listen) to herself. She knows she’s in trouble here…what she doesn’t know is how to trust herself to get out of that trouble.
April 18th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Sara, lotta wisdom there. Thank you.
Actually, thanks to all of you. This is really helpful advice.
April 18th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Sometimes it’s more fun to take the advice to extremes of bizarre logic.
If cheating is his biggest/only flaw, suggest the logical answer to your friend.
Sometimes, in order to spend more time with the one you’ve chosen, you have to indulge in their hobbies and it seems like his hobby is sex with strangers…
They should become swingers so ‘cheating’ becomes a team thing.
April 18th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Logical, but EWWWWWW.
April 19th, 2007 at 4:50 am
Yeah. Maybe you’d have a little trouble suggesting it with a straight face.
April 19th, 2007 at 5:32 am
Perfect timing, because a have a friend who recently broke up and I think they’re on the road to get-back-togetherville.
I think that once a get-back-together happens, another break-up is all but inevitable. But I keep my big mouth shut. I offer support through break-ups, then clam up at the moment of getting back together. You just can’t tell people the truth about their own relationships (and expect them to really hear it). They have to learn the hard way.
Cheating’s my threshold, too, and if that or worse has happened, I make my opinion known one time and then keep my big mouth shut.
April 19th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Bebe, good luck with that. So you’re not going to try Patrick or BJ’s methods?
April 19th, 2007 at 6:59 am
I don’t know about Bebe, but I’d choose Patrick or BJ’s methods if I were writing a book with this situation in it…much more drama!
Are you sure you’re not just using us to try out movie plots?
April 19th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Ha! Sara, I wish. Then I really would be in charge of what the characters do.
April 19th, 2007 at 8:00 am
Sara, I am a fictitious character created by Robin for the entertainment value on her blog comments.
April 19th, 2007 at 8:09 am
Patrick, no way I’m THAT creative.
April 19th, 2007 at 8:19 am
I beg to differ. Plus your fleece boots have a +32 creativity mod along with there natural +14 warmth factor.
April 19th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Wow. Can’t believe I missed this thread!
I’ll tell you an opposite story: When I was in college I dated a serial cheater for 2 years (I know, I know…took me awhile to grow into myself…)
When I finally dumped him spectacularly, I lost my best friend who sided with him. She went on and on about how he had reformed himself (possibly true, but I didn’t care by that point) and that I should stay with him.
In the end, didn’t miss the boyfriend a bit, but I’ve always been sad about my best friend from the college years. I still miss her 18 years later!
So I guess I’m sayin’, Robin, don’t dump your friend! ‘Cause when the boyfriend’s gone for the 2nd time, she’ll still want you
April 19th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Kelly, it’s never too late to chime in. Thanks for your story. Sorry for the sad ending!