Don’t you wish you were raised this way?
I mentioned on Tuesday that I’d read Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success last week. There’s so much in that book to love and ponder over, but I’ve found myself quoting one passage in particular in several conversations lately, so I thought it was time to bring it to the blog:
From Law Number Seven, The Law of “Dharma” or Purpose in Life:
“If you could start children right from the beginning with this thought, you’d see the effect it has on their lives. In fact, I did this with my own children. Again and again, I told them there was a reason why they were here, and they had to find out what that reason was for themselves. From the age of four years, they heard this.”
He told them that was their sole responsibility, to figure that out. He told them they didn’t have to get the best grades or go to the best colleges. He told them not to worry about how to make a living, because he would support them if necessary. All they needed to focus on was discovering what their unique talents were, and how they could use them to serve humanity.
“They ended up going to the best schools, getting the best grades, and even in college, they are unique in that they are financially self-sufficient, because they are focused on what they are here to give.” [Emphasis his.]
Don’t you think that’s just radical? And don’t you wish your parents had done that with you? Or do you look at that description and think, “Thank heavens my parents pushed me, or I’d never have gotten through high school”?
The thing is, whether your parents told you that or not, it’s never too late to tell it to yourself. To sit yourself down on the couch, say, “I have something very important to talk to you about,” and then launch into a sincere discussion about spending as much time as necessary from now on discovering your unique talents and how you can best use them to serve humanity. I’m here to tell you, a conversation like that with yourself can generate some pretty amazing ideas.
I know a lot of you are parents, and I’m curious what you think about this method. Would you be comfortable saying something like this to your kids? Does it seem too free-form? Too loose? Or does it seem like exactly the right thing to do?
And what about you former children? Do you wish you’d been raised this way?
Technorati Tags: Deepak Chopra, Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Parenting, Parents, Life Goals, Success, Achievement, Goal-Setting, Motivation, Improving the World One Child At a Time
How can I serve humanity? Grilled, with a splash of pineapple?
It turns out, humanity is here to serve or at least entertain me. So far, humanity is doing a pretty good job of keeping me amused.
And I think my mom DID say something like that to me.
“To Serve Man”–one of the best Twilight Zone episodes EVAH. So why didn’t I see that I’d totally handed you that straight line, Patrick?
Robin, I’m surprised that in your conversation on your couch, you didn’t see that it is completely your purpose to hand me lines.
My gut reaction as a parent was “oh the pressure!” I mean, I don’t know my purpose, I’m not sure I want to put that on my kids. I honestly can’t imagine how that would work for anyone other than a spiritual guru.
I like the message at one level, but it’s too free-form for me. And I had hippie parents.
I really do like the idea of encouraging my children to find their unique talents, but personally in my life, I try to avoid the whole there-is-a-reason energies. And that’s probably because I don’t believe in that, as uninspiring as that makes me sound. I think things — both good and bad — happen randomly, and we need to make the most/the best of them. I think it’s glib to tell someone, for instance, there is a reason your loved one died, which is something people say all the time to others and raises my hackles. So, I try to be careful about saying it at all about anything.
But I do believe in the general principle here — finding real happiness through your unique talents and thus serving the world through that joy.
And the practical parent in me also has to add — regarding the “He told them not to worry about how to make a living, because he would support them if necessary” comment — that I do wonder how I’m going to handle the whole transition-to-college event in my daughters’ lives if one of them wants to study, say, Philosophy. I’m not going to discourage them, especially if they have a fervent passion for studying it (more power to ‘em), but I do think there is value in talking to them about practical matters, such as: studying Philsophy will be great, but they will be flipping burgers for a while. And if they want to flip burgers and simultaneously consider the origin of consciousness in the breakdown of the bicameral mind, fine. And we will help them financially as best we can, but we also don’t know how we will be financially at that point, so I want to stress that self-sufficiency to them. There is great value in that. Shoot, my husband and I could — heaven forfend — not be around when they enter college (the zombies could get us or something), so they really need to understand and consider those practical matters.
And now I’m sure I’m just rambling . . .
Jules, who knows she’s probably being entirely too pragmatic and insufferably sensible
Patrick, I accept that. Thank you for the enlightenment.
Jules and Mother Reader, I was wondering how actual parents with actual children (as opposed to me) would feel about this. Those are some interesting points. I was especially curious to hear other people’s reaction to the “don’t worry about supporting yourself” part. I think that would be a hard one to swallow as a parent, but I don’t know.
Mother Reader, I understand your point about how that puts pressure on the kids–”What is my purpose? Aack! I don’t know!”–but I still think if it’s done right it would be a very freeing attitude. I think I would have loved being told when I was a little girl that my primary job was to discover what I loved to do and how best to use it to make the world a happier place. Sounds pretty sweet.
Ah, the “don’t worry about supporting yourself” part.
Well, I force Oliver to support himself now. “You want DINNER? Not until you carry those bags of grain across the yard! Work, Boy! Earn your keep!”
I’m with Mother Reader on the “Aaack! The pressure!” and with jules on the “flipping burgers.” Applause to both of you!
The thing about parenting real children is that no matter what your grand parenting plans, they just won’t go along with them. Because, you know, they have their OWN PURPOSE. Which, sometimes, is to annoy and defy you in finding theirs.
Yes, I’m all for telling my girls to find their joy.
I just want them to also know that, at the same time, they will need to find a job that supports what they want to do and how they want to live. My joys led me (in the case of both undergrad and grad) to fields of study that are marketable (sign language interpreters and children’s librarians never have trouble finding work, even if they don’t get paid in the triple digits). But I watched lots of my philosophy-major friends suffer a bit (yeeesh, I keep picking on philosophy majors today).
If one of my daughters decides her joy is acting, and the other decides her joy is backpacking across Europe, and they both find jobs to support themselves, even if they live in happy poverty, I’ll be thrilled that they found those things that bring them lightness of being. And I’ll help them out all I can, as long as they’re also being as self-sufficient and responsible as they possibly can.
Oh, and I was inspired to go and find this quote from one of my kick-ass-things-that-I-read-and-must-write-down journals, which can be attributed to A.S. Neill, long-ago headmaster and founder of Summerhill, a British boarding school (I forget where I read this — perhaps in the biography of Christopher Robin Milne I read last year??) —
“I would rather Summerhill produced a happy street sweeper than a neurotic prime minister.”
Sara, why do kids have to defy their parents by insisting on having their own lives and opinions? So annoying.
Jules, I love that headmaster’s quote! I would go to either his school or Hogwarts. The British are so lucky.
I think developing your talents and best serving humanity are in conflict. I think developing your talents best serves yourself. If by chance humanity benefits, luck humanity. Patrick, make mine medium rare.
That is pretty much how I was raised… I’m happy with the results.
Well I have one daughter that found what she is passionate about. The second daughter is still seeking. She was the one who changed 4 times what she wanted to study and ended up with a political science degree. She did finish college, but she still isn’t sure what she wants to do. Well she has an idea but finding a job is the hard part, but she is supporting herself.
I feel blessed to have found a job I love to do.My father stressed education for me and I did the same for our daughters. I do hope that they will be life long learners-even if it is about a new hobby.
The latest statistic says that students now a days will have 10-14 jobs by the time they are 38. Now isn’t that mind blowing?
I’m with you, Robin–teach them while they’re young…I don’t think it needs to be done to put pressure on the kids, but it’s good they know what they need to find in life. I kind of knew that, but it did not become really clear until I hit 40–and read Many Lives, Many Masters by Weiss. That put things into perspective for me, and I could see where I had been and where I was going. It made a big difference in my life.
And things DO happen for a reason, even though we may not know the reason. I agree, though, it is not something I would say to a person who just lost a loved one, but often people realize down the road the effect such an event has on them and how it has changed their life and given it purpose.
And then there are those who never figure it out. Do they get to try again in another life???
Herb, I disagree. Developing your talents serves both yourself and humanity. There’s a section in that great job-hunting book “What Color Is Your Parachute?” about finding your purpose in life. The author talks about that perfect crossover where you’re doing both what you love and what humanity most needs done.
His example is a doctor working in a leper colony, who hates his work every day. That doctor may be doing what humanity needs, but he’s not doing what he needs. So in effect he’s just taking up the space of some other doctor out there who would love to do that work. Disgruntled doctor should move on.
The second example is a writer who loves to write, but is putting his talents to use writing deodorant ads. That’s not really work that humanity needs done (don’t argue with me, Patrick).
So I think both pieces are not only possible, but desirable.
Lizzie, I’m glad you chimed in here, because you are a great example. You’ve pursued your passions and gone far, and will go much, much further yet. You are an excellent test case.
Readerdiane, that statistic about jobs is amazing. But I believe it. I just read an article in Time last week about how hard companies are having to work to attract and keep workers in their 20s. The current generation has so many skills to offer, and they also see all the possibilities out there. They want time to volunteer (the article pointed out how that’s a big selling point for companies now–giving their employees time to do volunteer work), they want to be able to telecommute, they want to be able to work with their friends (one moving company hired an entire football team). I think it’s wonderful. I’m all for a change in how we view our work.
Judy, you’re not going to believe this, but Many Lives, Many Masters is sitting right here on my desk. I love that book! I want to reread it.
Speaking of pursuing passions, I’m going to a workshop in about an hour to learn to shoot 16mm. I’m SO excited!!!
I’ll report back on the experience.
Robin- Who decides what humanity needs done?
I think a doctor who is unhappy serving his patients is a doctor who for whatever reason did not want to be a doctor. Are they living their life for someone else? Is the writer unhappy about writing advertising copy? Or do they get a charge out of influencing people with their words? Is the world a better place with everyone using deodorant? I think so.
I find the premise for today’s blog counter to the enthusiasm for Ayn Rand and her philosophy expressed in earlier blogs. If you are living your life to better others lives, you’re either forcing your definition of better onto someone or trying to live up to someone’s definition. Either way I believe negates the pursuit of reason or purpose for your or humanity’s benefit.
I agree with finding your reason, purpose or talents. But for yourself not for someone else. I prefer “the happy street sweeper to the neurotic prime minister.â€
Ooh, Herb, you are going to challenge my assumptions, aren’t you?
Who decides what humanity needs done? I guess I was assuming we’d all have the same general sense of that, but maybe I’m just being presumptuous. Maybe what seems important to me isn’t to someone else. Shocking, I know, but every now and then I realize I don’t speak for everyone in the entire world. What’s up with that?
Anyway, I don’t think that making it one of your life’s goals to make a positive difference for your fellow man negates your own pursuit of happiness. I agree, though, that doing something solely for that reason (think of the unhappy leper doctor) is not a good idea.
I think this is such an interesting discussion. And not as easy as I thought it would be.
Wow, interesting conversation.
I think it depends on the child. My sisters and I were brought up to feel free to pursue what we wanted – no expectations re grand careers etc – and knew we were responsible for getting there. (We were raised to know we’d have to be financially independent, though. But so was nearly everyone I know – in Australia parents don’t generally pay for uni). Despite my disappointment as a child at discovering my mother wasn’t planning on rewarding good grades with money (she rightly pointed out that I was getting them for myself not her) it worked great for me. I loved not being hassled, I learnt to motivate myself, I got to follow all of my passions at school and uni and am really happy with where I am.
But I think some children need more structure and expectations. It’s as though their parents saying “you are free to do what you want, it’s your unique life” is saying “we don’t really care what you do.” And although I think academic achievement isn’t important for everyone, for some people doing well at school would good for them but they just needed more structured encouragement when young to get there.
I hope this makes sense!
Emma, thanks a lot for your perspective on this. I like your point about not being hassled by your mother, but also not being rewarded by her for getting good grades. She’s right–that is something some of us did for ourselves, just out of a sense of personal pride.
But I also get your point about too much freedom feeling like a parent doesn’t care. I’m sure we all know people whose parents wanted to be their best friends, rather than their parents, so there was no discipline, no expectations.
So there must be a balance here somewhere, right? Some middle ground of letting a child know that his or her unique talents and personality can guide the way, but also providing some guidance ourselves so the child doesn’t feel too loose and floaty out there in the world.
I think the PURPOSE of our lives may also be tied to the LESSONS of our lives, which is something else we have to discover ourselves. At least it is for me. And by ‘helping’ others in a given area, I am learning to deal better in that area of my life, too.
Herb, I agree that too many people are not working at something they enjoy, and that is part of the problem with humanity. IF people followed their passions and found a job related to it, most would be much more successful, BECAUSE they would be happy.
One of the things I have learned along the way is that we should NOT do things JUST to make others happy, but to make ourselves happy. If it makes me happy to help someone in a way that is beneficial to him, then that is good. If I am doing it in a way that might not be beneficial (making him dependent, lazy, etc.) then it should not be done.
One more comment…kids most likely defy and annoy us because they need to discover things themselves…AND maybe they are not being annoying or defiant, really, but it is only the parent’s perception that they are. We all can choose to look at any given situation from a variety of points of views. If we choose annoying, that’s what we get.
Let me start by saying that I’m 38 and I’ve had 15 jobs in my life (not counting several temp jobs here and there). I’ve had 10 full-time jobs since graduating from college.
As far as the “find your purpose” question, that interests me. I do believe I’m here for a purpose, but I haven’t figured out what it is yet. And I’m reasonably comfortable that I might never figure it out, and yet will still have a fair chance of fulfilling that purpose.
Here’s an interesting quote I found in one of those business-self-help books last year: “Do what you love for people who love what you do.”
And here’s one from an episode of Millennium (anyone else besides me watch that show several years ago?):
**We are meant to be here. We step from one piece of holy ground, to the next, under stars that ask, “Imagine for one second you could drop in on a past life. What would charm you, make you proud?” Ask yourself that and the question of what to do in this life becomes so simple it’s terrifying. Just to do that thing that would charm you, that would make you say, “Yes, this is the real me”. Do that, and you’re alive. **
Oh, my gosh, Nancy, that quote from Millennium is out of this world! I’m going to print that out and clutch it to my chest, I love it so much. Thank you for sharing that!
Thanks also for sharing your job history. I think moving around like that is going to become the norm, don’t you?
Judy, this sounds so true: “I think the PURPOSE of our lives may also be tied to the LESSONS of our lives, which is something else we have to discover ourselves.” That’s a good way to look at the challenges and the people in our lives. I know I have a LOT to learn this time around, and I can’t get it all from books (although that was certainly my strategy for a good part of my life).
You’re probably also right about the kid thing. But it makes me wonder: are you saying Patrick was ever a difficult boy? Because none of us will believe it.
Sheer awesomeness presents its own challenges.
Judy said: “AND maybe they are not being annoying or defiant, really, but it is only the parent’s perception that they are. We all can choose to look at any given situation from a variety of points of views.”
This is why my son and I laugh over the ZITS cartoon every day.
And I agree: kids must discover things for themselves. It’s the only way lessons stick. I mean, look at all of us! I’m sure when we were young we heard in some form…maybe the Bible, maybe those 98 pound weakling ads, maybe Johnathon Livingston Seagull??…about finding our purpose, but we didn’t really get how to DO it, now did we? It took some livin’ to figure that out.
So my point is: do your best as a parent, not only with words but with actions, and know that your kids will have to experience life just the way you did: one lesson-packed day at a time.
Robin, I think reading the books as a strategy 1) shows us potential and helps us develop our own philosophy of life and living, and 2)helps prepare us for the hard lessons in life. I know when I was going through a really bad time, it helped to be able to go back to my previous readings and say, ‘yes, this is what is happening here, and I know I can make it through to the other side and be a better person because of it.
Patrick was a true Space Lord even when he was growing up…wise beyond his years, which was somewhat a challenge in itself. Of course he had his moments, but he usually made a joke of them.
I could tell you a lot of stories, but am not sure he would appreciate it, so I won’t.
I like it! I agree with those who’ve said it would have to be done carefully, and in a way tailored to the child’s personality, but I see it so much more as process than as trying to achieve a final point (‘Got my purpose! That’s life all sorted now!’), that I’d definitely be stressing that element of it.
Though I didn’t use that phrasing with my two, the things I stressed aren’t that different. Emotional wisdom is something I value a lot more than intellectual achievements, and you’ve got to develop that to be able to give to others. There was plenty of pressure out there already to do well in school and all, so I certainly wasn’t going to push hard on that.
I just asked my younger daughter, who’s 17, and she said she thought she might feel a bit intimidated by that, but agreed it would depend how it was said – she also told me she never felt pressured by me. Which is nice.
Sara, I love ZITS! I’m glad to hear you read that with your own version of a teenager. I think that strip is so clever and right on.
Judy, it’s so great to be able to do just what you said: look at the hard times right in the middle of them and know that you will come through and be better because of them. A hard skill to master, but so peaceful overall.
Lady S, how nice for you to hear from your daughter that you did right by her. You’re right–there’s already so much exterior pressure to succeed, we probably don’t need to add any to it. Whereas that “emotional wisdom” you talked about will be a lifelong tool, much more important than memorizing the periodical tables. Unless that’s what you’re passionate about, of course.