Judy, it’s so great to be able to do just what you said: look at the hard times right in the middle of them and know that you will come through and be better because of them. A hard skill to master, but so peaceful overall.

Lady S, how nice for you to hear from your daughter that you did right by her. You’re right–there’s already so much exterior pressure to succeed, we probably don’t need to add any to it. Whereas that “emotional wisdom” you talked about will be a lifelong tool, much more important than memorizing the periodical tables. Unless that’s what you’re passionate about, of course.

Though I didn’t use that phrasing with my two, the things I stressed aren’t that different. Emotional wisdom is something I value a lot more than intellectual achievements, and you’ve got to develop that to be able to give to others. There was plenty of pressure out there already to do well in school and all, so I certainly wasn’t going to push hard on that.

I just asked my younger daughter, who’s 17, and she said she thought she might feel a bit intimidated by that, but agreed it would depend how it was said - she also told me she never felt pressured by me. Which is nice.

Patrick was a true Space Lord even when he was growing up…wise beyond his years, which was somewhat a challenge in itself. Of course he had his moments, but he usually made a joke of them.

I could tell you a lot of stories, but am not sure he would appreciate it, so I won’t.

This is why my son and I laugh over the ZITS cartoon every day.

And I agree: kids must discover things for themselves. It’s the only way lessons stick. I mean, look at all of us! I’m sure when we were young we heard in some form…maybe the Bible, maybe those 98 pound weakling ads, maybe Johnathon Livingston Seagull??…about finding our purpose, but we didn’t really get how to DO it, now did we? It took some livin’ to figure that out.

So my point is: do your best as a parent, not only with words but with actions, and know that your kids will have to experience life just the way you did: one lesson-packed day at a time.

Thanks also for sharing your job history. I think moving around like that is going to become the norm, don’t you?

Judy, this sounds so true: “I think the PURPOSE of our lives may also be tied to the LESSONS of our lives, which is something else we have to discover ourselves.” That’s a good way to look at the challenges and the people in our lives. I know I have a LOT to learn this time around, and I can’t get it all from books (although that was certainly my strategy for a good part of my life).

You’re probably also right about the kid thing. But it makes me wonder: are you saying Patrick was ever a difficult boy? Because none of us will believe it.

As far as the “find your purpose” question, that interests me. I do believe I’m here for a purpose, but I haven’t figured out what it is yet. And I’m reasonably comfortable that I might never figure it out, and yet will still have a fair chance of fulfilling that purpose.

Here’s an interesting quote I found in one of those business-self-help books last year: “Do what you love for people who love what you do.”

And here’s one from an episode of Millennium (anyone else besides me watch that show several years ago?):

**We are meant to be here. We step from one piece of holy ground, to the next, under stars that ask, “Imagine for one second you could drop in on a past life. What would charm you, make you proud?” Ask yourself that and the question of what to do in this life becomes so simple it’s terrifying. Just to do that thing that would charm you, that would make you say, “Yes, this is the real me”. Do that, and you’re alive. **

Herb, I agree that too many people are not working at something they enjoy, and that is part of the problem with humanity. IF people followed their passions and found a job related to it, most would be much more successful, BECAUSE they would be happy.

One of the things I have learned along the way is that we should NOT do things JUST to make others happy, but to make ourselves happy. If it makes me happy to help someone in a way that is beneficial to him, then that is good. If I am doing it in a way that might not be beneficial (making him dependent, lazy, etc.) then it should not be done.

One more comment…kids most likely defy and annoy us because they need to discover things themselves…AND maybe they are not being annoying or defiant, really, but it is only the parent’s perception that they are. We all can choose to look at any given situation from a variety of points of views. If we choose annoying, that’s what we get.

But I also get your point about too much freedom feeling like a parent doesn’t care. I’m sure we all know people whose parents wanted to be their best friends, rather than their parents, so there was no discipline, no expectations.

So there must be a balance here somewhere, right? Some middle ground of letting a child know that his or her unique talents and personality can guide the way, but also providing some guidance ourselves so the child doesn’t feel too loose and floaty out there in the world.

I think it depends on the child. My sisters and I were brought up to feel free to pursue what we wanted - no expectations re grand careers etc - and knew we were responsible for getting there. (We were raised to know we’d have to be financially independent, though. But so was nearly everyone I know - in Australia parents don’t generally pay for uni). Despite my disappointment as a child at discovering my mother wasn’t planning on rewarding good grades with money (she rightly pointed out that I was getting them for myself not her) it worked great for me. I loved not being hassled, I learnt to motivate myself, I got to follow all of my passions at school and uni and am really happy with where I am.

But I think some children need more structure and expectations. It’s as though their parents saying “you are free to do what you want, it’s your unique life” is saying “we don’t really care what you do.” And although I think academic achievement isn’t important for everyone, for some people doing well at school would good for them but they just needed more structured encouragement when young to get there.

I hope this makes sense!