Sex and the prom
Boy, that’s the kind of post title that’s going to be picked up by search engines. But there’s no point in pretending this isn’t what I’m going to be talking about.
I told Stephenie Meyer that one of the things I loved about her Eclipse Prom was that it was a very safe event for girls. Not safe as in all the security guards around the place, but safe as in any girl–no matter whether any boys like her enough to invite her to a prom, no matter whether she thinks she’s too fat or flat-chested to deserve to wear a beautiful gown–every girl who wanted to could go to Stephenie’s prom and feel completely accepted and welcome.
That’s one of the reasons all those girls looked so happy.
I was talking about that with a friend of mine who used to teach high school not so long ago. She said the hardest thing for her to hear from a lot of these girls who’d been invited to the school prom was that there was this expectation that if they said yes to the date, they were also saying yes to sex. It was just a given. And I’ve heard enough about that from other kids to know that her school was not unique.
How did it get to be that way? When I went to the prom my one time, all I was desperately hoping for was to be kissed. We weren’t renting out hotel rooms back then for after-prom, and there wasn’t any whispering about how going to the prom meant losing your virginity, as it does for so many girls these days.
So I say again, what a wonderful gift Stephenie Meyer gave her fans. They got to dress up and feel beautiful and go with their best girl friends instead of some guy who’d be tapping them on the shoulder at the end of the night and saying, “Okay, it’s time.”
And bravo to my friend the teacher who at least tried to do her part to re-educate the girls in her classes who came to her for advice. I have no idea if they listened to her, but I think it’s always worth it for some respected adult–whether you’re the parent or the aunt or a teacher or a friend’s mother–or maybe a YA author–to tell girls out loud that they should never engage in any kind of sexual activity before they feel completely ready for it. They should never give up their virginity just because it’s the accepted thing. They are in charge of their own equipment, and that means they get to make all the decisions about when, with whom, and under what circumstances they will share such a personal part of themselves. And part of that self-respect includes making sure that both parties have taken appropriate precautions against pregnancy and STDs.
We need to help girls learn to trust themselves. I’ve posted about this before, but let me say it again: one of the ways we teach girls to devalue their instincts about physical safety and boundaries is by forcing them from a young age to “be polite.” To let relatives and other adults hug them and kiss them, even if the child (and this goes for boys, too) is clearly uncomfortable. Saying, “Don’t be that way! It’s Grandpa/Aunt Minny/daddy’s boss” teaches a child that his or her innate sense of safety and self-preservation doesn’t matter. What matters is what other people want.
So why should we be surprised if that same child, ten years later, gives in to her prom date? She wouldn’t want to be rude.
As you can tell, this issue just happens to touch a nerve. What say any of you?
Technorati Tags: Proms, Teenage Sexuality, Virginity, Stephenie Meyer, Eclipse Prom, Girl Self-Esteem, Girl Empowerment
You are so smart.
I just read an article about a girl who got breast implants for a (high school) graduation gift and I’m completely disgusted with the world.
I am glad I’m not an adolescent girl today. Because then I’d have to post slutty pictures of myself on myspace so that people would like me. And make the honor roll so I could get those double-Ds I’ve been dreaming about.
Ick, Molly. Of course, in that scenario–the girl getting breast implants for graduation–you have to wonder what the hell the parents (especially the mother) are thinking. What a horrible message to be sending their daughter. What incredibly poor judgment.
Personally I think self defense classes for girls should be mandatory in school. And I’m glad I had a boy instead of a girl as my only child, and that he was in NO hurry to grow up.
There was an article in the NY Times not all that long ago about women in the military and what they went through in Iraq. Sounds like the first initiation of that kind of behavior is prom night. My first gut response is to discontinue proms, but why do I think the girls will yell the loudest against this?
Re proms and dressing up that much– ack. I’d rather have a root canal.
Bravo, Robin. I shudder to think of my children being pressured into making adult choices once they are teens.
I actually went to my senior prom with my brother-in-law. He had a girlfriend, but took me so I wouldn’t feel obligated to go with some jerk that would be expecting sex. His brother (my husband) and I had broken up, and he was away at college.
Sweet, huh?
Yeah, BJ, I read about the rape problem they’re having in the military now, too. Unbelievable. Here these women are, already putting themselves on the line, and they’re having to defend themselves against their own comrades. Evil.
As for the self-defense classes, I’ve loved teaching those to girls and young women over the years. So much of it isn’t about fighting, but about developing a strong sense of self-awareness. Sometimes girls have to be told that it’s okay to decide for themselves what their personal space is, and that their job is to be nice to themselves first by protecting that space, rather than being nice to everyone else by giving in to situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
I wholeheartedly agree that girls should learn self defense (duh!). Girls should also be more involved in contact sports, be it basketball, baseball, soccer, whatever. These activities teach kids to be aware of their surroundings and keep an eye out for danger, be it a kick to the ribs or a fly ball, as well as instilling both physical and mental confidence.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been thankful for having grown up in a dojo. The fact that since the age of 8 I’ve been taught not to be afraid, not to let people push me around, and to trust my gut has gotten me (and my friends) out of SO many bad situations.
As Mad-Eye Moody would say, “Constant Vigilance!”
Heather, are you kidding me? Totally sweet! Is that the same bro-in-law who’s now in commercials?
Lizzie, you know I’m happy any time you can work in Mad-Eye Moody. As for the rest of your comment, you’re exactly the kind of young woman I love to see–confident, self-possessed, trusting your gut. I hope you’re passing it on to the young women around you. One person at a time we can rebuild the girl culture.
Oh man, I wish we could rebuild girl culture. That would be sweet.
The movie Mean Girls was waaaay too true to life for me.
My school had a junior Prom. My senior year, a junior asked me and she was expecting sex. I said no(to the sex, I went to the prom) and then made her marry my friend instead. I love happy endings.
I was just staying at their house this past weekend.
Good for you for holding out, Patrick. You set a fine example for your son.
Right. Don’t sleep with people that are going to marry your friends. It prevents awkward situations later in life.
And just because someone wants sex doesn’t make them a scummy bad person. She really is quite nice.
Your post is exactly what girls need to hear. Hurrah for you being brave enough to write about this. It’s about time girls realize the ones that are All That, are the ones who don’t succomb to peer pressure.
When girls can trust and respect themselves, their instincts, truly like themselves, and know how to say no, they will realize they are the Prize–not the boy. It doesn’t hurt to know some kick butt moves too!
And this goes for the boys too. When boys learn to respect themselves, they will learn to respect the girls.
I’m not sure why these teens want to grow up so fast for anyway. There’s nothing more special than those first kisses.
Vivian, WORD.
I think I might print this out and stick on the walls of my local middle school. And high school. If that’s okay.
Adolescence sucks anyway, but today especially, it’s just bad. There are so many messages competing for brain space, and way too many of them just aren’t good. (There’s a reason you will never, ever, ever find me on Myspace. I had a Xanga back in their heyday, and I had some nasty experiences with that. E-bullying is real, y’all.) The idea that girls shouldn’t be too smart or guys won’t like them is still pretty bad around here, for example, and that just feeds into girls not respecting their own personal boundaries.
Honestly, it makes me sick. I count myself lucky to have gone to church since nine months before I was born and have so many long-time church friends, because none of the girls I hung around with ever considered anything like this a good idea.
(And you have no idea how much I’d love for PE to have been self-defense, but that might, you know, offend somebody. I do confess to having PVC-pipe battles with friends with the idea of learning to protect ourselves should the need arise, and I kicked butt at them, if I do say so myself.)
Miri, that’s such a pleasure to read because even though it’s hard to be out there these days, you and your friends are doing your part to remain true to your ideals.
Your comment makes me think that maybe when the time arises for me to throw a big event to thank my readers–like Stephenie Meyer just did for hers with her prom–I should go around giving girls’ self-defense classes. That’s something I’ve enjoyed teaching over the years, and it’s something I’d love to reach more girls with.
Would you rather have a girls’ kick-ass clinic, or a prom from me? I’m serious here.
Why not combine the two?
Kick-ass clinic. No contest. We get plenty of chances to dress up a look pretty, but learning to kick butt and take names when something important depends on it is something girls need and don’t usually get.
Thanks for writing about this, Robin. I think that it’s important. By a strange coincidence, I happened to read something even worse about sex and proms in Dear Abby today (I don’t always read it, but Robin’s email had my radar up to catch this). Apparently (according to one person’s letter to Dear Abby), there’s a new trend in the teen community called “prom babies.” Girls who are accepted to college, but aren’t ready to go, and don’t feel that they can face telling their parents about it, decide to get pregnant on prom night instead. Then they can stay home and have the baby, instead of facing the pressure of college. Oh, how I hope this isn’t widely true, because, as Abby said, it’s appalling. But of course, inadvertent “prom babies” probably happen frequently, too, if girls are so widely expected to have sex at the prom. And then the participants’ lives are truly changed forever.
Miri, I’m going to see what I can do about that. Thanks for your input. I think it would be such a great thing to do. Back to creating the new girl culture I was talking about.
Jen, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I’ve never heard of prom babies–oh, my gosh, what a horrible idea. I can’t believe college pressure would be leading to this. I agree with you–I hope it isn’t widely true. How awful.
Here’s a link. It is truly dreadful. Abby points out the unfairness to the potential teen fathers in all of this, too.
I think I’m going to be sick. Something needs to be done now. And fast. It is so sad these girls have no self love. And if they think a baby is going to make their lives easier…they have got another thing coming to them.
I think your idea of doing self-defense courses for your future book fans is a great idea, Robin! I loved my self-defense classes at school, particularly as I am a small person and so became an example for the class – if Emma can do it, so can you!
As you said, a lot of us simply benefited from ideas of how to be more self-aware and from hearing stories of people listening to their instincts and getting out of bad situations.
I was going to say that I don’t think there’s a prom (well we call it a formal)=sex thing here, but I had mine ten years ago and was a bit socially oblivious. I’m almost too scared to ask my friend’s younger sister, who is planning her formal, about that expectation as I don’t want to hear that it exists! here too! And I can’t even begin to grasp the prom baby thing.
Jen, I’m speechless.
Robin: I’m recruiting you now to teach my daughter self-defense and more…She’s 11, so we can start early, ‘kay?
Seriously, though, this pressure is real. It was real enough 20 years ago when I went to the prom. Oops, make that 22 (Live in ’85!). Even for the “good” kids.
As for the plastic surgery, I’ve told my kids up front: I’d pay for an ear-pinning or a breast reduction, but nothing else. (I’m a huge fan of unique noses, so if they want nose jobs, they’re on their own. Let’s not even mention breast “augmentation.” Yuck.)
OK. I refrained from commenting until I could run the “prom baby” letter to Dear Abby by my personal BS detector: my daughter. No way, she said. If they don’t want to go to a high-pressure college, they just show up for a semester/few weeks/few days, and then they drop out.
I don’t know, but this approach (“See, Daddy, I TRIED”) rings a lot more true to me than the “conceive a baby on prom night.” As if conception works on demand, anyhow!
Not to say that girls don’t get pregnant on prom night. They do. I just don’t think it’s a planned epidemic. Sounds like a worried dad Urban Legend to me.
WORD on the rest of the love thyself/know thyself/defend thyself stuff. For both boys and girls.
I think that was such a great idea. I think many girls have no idea whats out there waiting for them. That most rapes and sexual assaults are done by people you KNOW, not random strangers. As an advocate for victims of sexual violence, I think it’s important to make girls aware of all the dangers out there. However, I also think it’s important to make make men aware and show them how to prevent, and make them advocates as well. It’s sick and disgusting that 1 out of 6 girls is a victim of rape and sexual assault and it’s repulsing that it’s so often brushed under the rug and left unaddressed. So as someone who wasn’t a teenager too long ago and also has more experience with this than I ever wanted, educate your daughters and your sons.
Kelly, children can start in most martial arts at 6 and some places will even take younger. All martial arts regardless of their main focus will have some portion of holds and breaking them. So, choosing a style isn’t really that important. Any will do. Taekwondo is pretty much a cross between boxing and dancing. That’s probably where I’ll start my son next year.
I want to study Aikido.
I feel the need to jump in here and say it’s not all about martial arts and fighting and physical force. So much of what we teach in the classes I’ve been involved in–and I assume in other girls’ self-defense classes–is attitude and awareness. There’s a motto in martial arts: we learn to fight so we don’t have to. I hope never to have to raise a hand, and I hope the same for every girl or woman. What I want this generation of girls to learn is how to present themselves in the world in a way that portrays them as strong, confident, and competent.
They also need support to make smart decisions. Sara, I really hope your daughter is right, and the prom baby thing is somewhat Urban Legend. But I know the sex and prom connection is real, and I hope any of us with some influence over the girls in our lives will do our part to help them make smart choices.
Girls need to be reminded that they’re in charge of their own lives. And we need to prove that to them in the way we treat them.
See, Patrick…Robin’s response shows why I want to hire HER. She’ll take care of the martial arts and the whole growing into an adult woman thing. I’ll just hand that part of raising a daughter over to her
Kelly, you may send your daughter to me by UPS or FedEx, depending on the level of urgency. 11-year-old girls are my people. You’ll probably want to hang on to her for Mother’s Day, but then send her on down for the summer. You can come, too, but just beware that we’ll be watching a lot of Xena, Lord of the Rings, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon for all of the cool women warrior fight scenes. It’s a whole program, you know.
And then also Iron-Jawed Angels and other cool girl/women power movies.
Well, if you are going to watch Xena, then I’m coming too.
Robin, yes to the class idea. Very, very cool idea.
I tried to leave a comment first thing yesterday morning, but the server told me to bug off . . . I was just going to say this: HUH? There really is that pressure to have sex on prom night? I’m hopelessly naieve. But then I also didn’t go to prom (and don’t feel like there’s a hole in my life; my brother and friends and I made a movie instead that night). There just have to be those strong, non-conformist girls out there who don’t give in to the pressure that easily….
You know, I’m all for girl-empowerment (since I’m the mother of four daughter, how can I not be?), but what bothers me here, is the lack of discussion about teaching our boys SELF CONTROL and that they don’t have to expect sex from every female they come in contact with. Why is it always the girl’s responsibility?
I mean, really, all you parents of boys out there: can’t you raise one I’d be proud to let my daughters go out with?
Oh, Melissa, I’m with you on that. I hope people–parents and other adults with sway–are doing just that. I’ve picked my group to work with–girls–but I agree that boys are an equal part of the equation and need attention, too.
It’s like those soldiers who feel it’s all right to assault their female comrades. The military needs to come down HARD on those men. Honor and valor mean more than shooting at the enemy. They mean living with integrity in every respect.
So yes, it makes me wish those boys’ parents had made it clear to them from infancy that girls are not to be used and abused that way.
We all have work to do.
Thanks, robin. After I posted that, I felt kind of bad; I don’t mean to come down so hard on boys. There are decent ones out there. Conversely, there are predatory females out there, too.
You’re right, we all have work to do. I just wish it wasn’t so scary out there.
WOW!!! Speaking from experience here: I’ve had the opportunity to teach young girls (brownies), college girls, and adult women self-defense. I agree with the “let’s get ‘em when their young” theory. So many times I’ve had the college girls and women say to me, “I wish I had learned this when I was 10, or 12, or 15″. We need to be spreading the girl power message.
I have also had the opportunity to speak to pregnant teens (wearing one of my other hats). Even when they are pregnant, they still felt like they weren’t in charge of their own lives – ie: who could be with them during the delivery, should they be forced to marry the slimeball who contributed his sperm, should they or can they press charges against….this is bad….their uncle? They really felt like they had no choices. That talk was supposed to be about “massage techniques for pregnancy” and turned out to be, “empowering the pregnant teenager”. Guess you can tell where my passion is. So I agree – let’s get those girls some knowledge when they’er young! You can count me in for helping where I can Robin.
Excellent, Michele. I’m glad to hear you say that, because if I do these girl power (aka kickass girl) clinics, I’ll be calling on all my usual co-instructors to do them with me, and that includes you.
Melissa, don’t feel bad! I agree with what you’re saying. Let’s not get discouraged about the state of the world. Let’s just each do our part with the people right in front of us to change what we can.
“There are decent ones out there.”
That’s good to know. I hate being the oppressive majority sometimes.
Yep, Patrick, we’re looking to you to hold the line. Not only you, but also that youngin’ of yours. Hope you’re raising him right.
“Let’s not get discouraged about the state of the world. Let’s just each do our part with the people right in front of us to change what we can.”
Oh, I know that’s what I need to do. It’s just sometimes I get so overwhelmed and discouraged with the responsibility of raising decent, honorable, good children and protecting them from all the bad that’s out there.
Patrick, thanks.
I need there to be men like you in the world.
I have surpassed gender. I am a Space Lord.
Do I actually have to go through the motion of telling you that they’ll get a lot more out of being molded into Kickass self defenders than into pretty prom ornaments? Talk about a difference in messages . . .
Thanks, BJ. I’m on it.