Ten percent, no matter what
The other day my friend was telling me about this speaker she heard who pointed out that in any crowd, you have to assume that ten percent of the people won’t like you, no matter what you say or do.
You can try to draw them out, try to be funny, try to connect with them in some way, but those ten percent are just never, ever going to come over to your side.
And I find a lot of comfort in that.
Because how many times do we do our tap dancing routine, our please-please-like-me routine, and the person still gives you the stony face, still grumbles at what you say, and just won’t be your friend no matter how hard you try?
Whereas if you go into any situation already knowing about those ten percent who won’t like you, you can concentrate all your energy and good will on the ninety percent who will. It’s very efficient, don’t you think? And relaxing. Sure, you still don’t like seeing the stony faces, but at least you know there’s nothing you can do about it, and so you should just move on.
I’d like to know if this has been your experience. And if you think knowing this is as freeing as it seems to me.
Technorati Tags: Public Speaking, Communication, Group Dynamics, Popularity, Why Won’t That Guy Laugh At My Jokes?
March 17th, 2007 at 5:27 am
When I was a comic, I even broke it down to 10% laughers, 40% chucklers, 40% smilers and 10% evil bastards without a sense of humor.
This is why it is easier to speak to larger crowds. The numbers change with the size of a crowd. Say you are talking to 20 people. That’s 2 Laughers. That’s pretty weak. So, you’ll get 2 laughers and 8 chucklers and then a lot of stares.
But, the noise is contagious. So, in front of 100 people, on average, 50 will make some sort of noise, 10 of them being loud, which becomes contagious, so you pull a small percentage up to the next level. In small audiences, the laughers are embarrassed because they are the only ones making noise, so they quiet down.
I’ll take a big audience over 20 people every single time. Big audience and small room where they are packed in, so the noise overwhelms them.
March 17th, 2007 at 5:36 am
WAIT!!! Something has changed!
Over there on the right. –>>
Barry is blogging. CLICK IT. CLICK IT!!!! Say hi. Even you ‘Robin lurkers’, De-lurk and say HI!
March 17th, 2007 at 6:14 am
Good eye on the Barry blog, Patrick! Yep, everyone, stop by and say hello to Barry.
Patrick, that’s really interesting about your experiences with audiences. And it sounds so true. You can see it in movie theaters, too–if a few people are willing to laugh out loud, then everyone else feels comfortable doing it. A dead crowd infects everyone.
March 17th, 2007 at 7:42 am
When I used to do a lot of public speaking, I always preferred a larger crowd. I think the larger the crowd, the better speaker I am to. But no matter how large the audience, I could always spot the person who was sitting there with their arm crossed, silently arguing in in his head with everything I was saying, waiting for the Q&A to pounce. I take notice of them and then forget about them and focus on the smiling head-nodders who actually want to hear what you have to say. And i would remember the old saying, There’s one in every crowd…
March 17th, 2007 at 8:38 am
Deborah, I admire you for being able to forget about the surly person. I had one during my talk last month, and I couldn’t help constantly looking over at her, even though I knew each time I did I’d be disappointed. It’s like picking at a scab.
What about in social situations in general? Do you think this 10% rule works there, too?
March 17th, 2007 at 9:02 am
Or how about with in-laws? Do you think ten percent of your in-laws will never warm up to you?
March 17th, 2007 at 9:17 am
I don’t know about social situations, but I’d say that maybe that 10% rule might apply to the “clique” discussion going in the kidlitosphere. Those 10% would be the ones who think that we’re an exclusive community even with all the opportunities for participation, mostly because they don’t feel comfortable. Yes I’m still on this topic.
March 17th, 2007 at 9:58 am
There have been some people in my life like that, definitely! I can think of people I’ve tried to befriend, tried to connect with, and the results are just depressing. After a while, you do have to just move on, or it can drive you crazy!
March 17th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Yeah, but here’s the thing about that one surly person in the crowd: Sometimes you can win that person over.
And that is the single greatest feeling in the world.
March 17th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Mother Reader, you can be on that topic as long as you like, as far as I’m concerned. It’s just so weird, it seems to need sorting out.
Katie, welcome! You’re right about learning to move on. That’s an acquired skill, though. Many’s the time I’ve kept trying and trying, beating my head against a wall, before saying it’s not worth it.
Barry, yeah, but I think that just happens on its own–I’m not sure if tap dancing harder and faster works. Maybe something shifts in the person and they think, “Oh, he’s not such a jerk after all.” Or maybe the person was just passing a stone, and finally it’s through and he can smile again.
March 17th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
It’s always easiest to convince people of what they already know or believe. If they think you are a jerk, they will scrutinize every thing about you to confirm that belief. I think the only people you can ‘win over’ are people who are having a transient bad day, or who are truly ‘open minded’ the latter fairly rare. Moral? Stick to the 90% who don’t have an ax to grind to grind with the world and ignore/tolerate the 10%
March 17th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Sounds like a workable plan to me. Thanks, Deborah.
March 17th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
Sometimes the best thing one can do is to be as outrageous as possible just to give the surly 10% something good to gripe about…I mean talk about later on. Otherwise, it’s no fun.
I think people who attend a presentation are there because they are truly interested in the topic. Otherwise they wouldn’t take the time to attend.
This 10% could just be concentrating really hard on what you have to say. Maybe they’re having a bad botox reaction or had a big fight with a loved one. Or maybe they’re just having a bad case of gas and are just trying to hold it all in, for their sake and yours. Just remember, these people are there because they are truly interested in what you have to say.
Just wow all of them and keep the distance, in case it is the gas.
March 17th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
I’m pretty much ready to make friends with anyone who is nice to me, so I’m always rendered speechless by any accusations that I’m part of a clique. My friends who are more… um, let’s say “discerning” than I am are always agog at my “yes! let’s ALL OF US be BFFs” attitude, but whatever.
I’m sure it’s a corollary that when it occurs to me that those 10% are out there, I get this big “does not compute” sign blinking in my internal CPU.
March 17th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Vivian, you CRACK ME UP! I’m always into fart jokes. Thanks for meeting my needs. And thanks for the other, non-fart, advice.
Diana, obviously with your attitude you attract lots and lots of friends. So you mean any of us can be your BFF, too?
March 17th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
This is a great conversation! You all have such great things to say.
Barry: You’re awesome for winning over that 10 percent! I don’t think I could do it
MR: You KNOW I feel your pain and think you rock.
Robin: Not sure about the inlaw thing, though I think my mom-in-law–who loves and adores me does have that icky 10 percent in her somewhere. The key is to know when, why, and what the consequences will be. (Fortunately, my husband has the same experiences, so I’m not alone here.)
Vivian: Funny, funny, funny!
March 18th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
I use a somewhat different approach with the 10%. I get the 90% to beat them up. Works well for me!
March 18th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Ha!