The little girl with the red (sorry, golden) hair
This just feels like the kind of thing I need to share.
I was in a public restroom today, washing up (as an aside, please wash your hands after using the bathroom, I beg you), and at the other sink was a girl who looked about four or five. The girl was absolutely adorable, and had the most beautiful red hair held up in two little pony tails.
I told her, “I love your hair! I wish I had hair that color.”
The girl’s mother gave me this surprised and happy look. She told her daughter, “Did you hear that, Belle? She loves your hair!”
The little girl nodded sort of shyly.
We all left the restroom together, and the mother drew me aside for a moment. “You don’t know how perfect that was. We were just talking in the car on the way over, and Belle was saying she’s so nervous about starting her new school, because what if the other kids don’t like her hair?”
AAARRRGGG! That hurts so badly to hear! It starts so young, and even a clearly lovely child like that has to worry about whether she looks right, whether she’ll stand out too much, whether the kids will be mean. We start from early childhood wanting to hide out within the herd. It feels dangerous to be different.
I took it one more step. “Hey, Belle, I have a secret for you. I’m a writer, and whenever I want to write a really cool girl character, I give her red hair like yours.” (Which is true–I have at least two red-haired heroines, even though they’re in books you haven’t seen yet.)
“It’s golden,” Belle corrected me. Nicely, not brattily.
“Oh, golden–right. So some day if you ever read a story about a girl with golden hair named Belle, I want you to remember that we had this conversation today, because that book is about you.”
She gave me a sort of weird look, but whatever. The mother seemed happy. As they walked away I heard her say to Belle, “See? That woman loves your hair! And she doesn’t even know you!”
The reason I’m telling all of you is that I think it’s up to us to say out loud the nice things we notice about each other. Don’t just think it, say it. If someone you’re dealing with is great at his or her job–the waiter or waitress, the person ringing up your drycleaning, the person who teaches your child–please take a moment and say so. If you like a person’s outfit, or what a blogger has said in a post, or what your best friend or mate does that makes them so lovable to you, say it out loud.
Don’t we all like to hear that we’re lovely or kind or talented or skilled? So why don’t we start by telling other people first? You’ve heard it before: Be the change you want to see. Let’s start a wave of compliments and really shake things up.
And I guess I’d better do my part by writing a book about a golden-haired girl named Belle. Who, it must be said, always washes her hands after she uses the bathroom. Yeah, baby.
Let me second the motion. If I may pat myself on the back here, this is something I do rather regularly. I’ll tell someone at work I like her hair, I’ll tell random kids at my daughter’s school that I like their shoes, etc. You know, it feels good to make someone else feel good and it takes such little effort.
I’m glad that you had such a great experience – and made someone’s day.
Good for you! It’s a nice reminder about random compliments. But oh dear that the little girl couldn’t feel happy about having RED hair – guess she’s too young to have read the Anne of Green Gables books!
Man, I’ve ALWAYS wanted red hair! (Which would look really weird with my skin color. But I digress.) We sensitive kids worry about everything, including some random disliking us because of our hair — I can totally feel her on that one. But YES, and YAY for the idea of never leaving our “Olé” unspoken.
I’ve heard my own four-year-old make comments about her hairstyle or clothes that made me cringe. Of course, I’ve also heard her brag that her artwork “was the prettiest” at school or she danced “the best” at ballet class. She has both extremes within her, which I suppose we all do. As a mom, I always try to play up others’ strengths and beauties, and I focus on hers as well. We’ve also talked about how our comments can make someone feel good or hurt that person’s feelings. This is such a significant teaching area, and you’re right that it starts very early. Oh, how I dread kindergarten in a couple of years!
–Kelley
Reclusive writer ventures out for public restroom adventure – More at 11:00pm.
Robin, I agree with this completely. It makes me cringe to hear young kids put themselves down. The kids that come in for storytime or teen programs at the library or even just flash me a smile as they sign in to use the internet make my day–THEY are the force that keeps me going, so how could they possibly feel bad about themselves? But I know they do.
Can I also add…by the same token, make sure to say PLEASE and THANK YOU to the person who’s ringing up your drycleaning, bringing your food at a restauraunt, putting your groceries in bags or (ahem) checking out your library books? Being a public servant, I often wonder if the words “Please” and “Thank you” have been deleted from the dictionary entirely. (I looked it up last night, and it would appear that they’re still there…but then, my dictionary is about 25 years old…)
I’m usually too shy to compliment strangers (although I’m good about saying please and thank you). I’ll make an effort to be a bit more outgoing, though.
Patrick, it gets even weirder: I was actually out of town, at a foreign (well, out-of-state) bathroom! How exciting is that?
Elizabeth, I totally second you on the “please” and “thank you.” The fact that some of us notice when someone says that, because it’s so unusual now (especially from kids, it seems), must say something about how it’s a dying art. Thanks for pointing that out.
Ikkinlala, I can see being shy around some strangers, but in a safe setting–your Starbucks cashier, or a waitress or the drycleaning person, for example–I think it’s worth practicing. And maybe just do what Elizabeth suggested, and always make sure to go with the basics of please and thank you. Not that you don’t do that already! Just saying.
Kelley, I’m glad you pointed out the opposite experience, of the child apparently “bragging,” although my pal Annette would say, “No brag, just fact: I make an awesome casserole,” or whatever. I’m glad to hear from a mom of a child this age what you see going on with her and with the other kids around her. Thank you!
Tanita, you could totally pull off the red hair! Dude! You’re a grown up–who’s going to say no? And thanks for the “Ole” reference. Nice to go international, especially when it’s coming from someone who’s hiding out in Scotland right now! Probably not too many Ole’s over there, I’m guessing.
Lady S, isn’t that the truth? Once you find a character with a certain trait that the two of you share (or that you might want), it makes it all right. Haven’t we all read books or seen movies where we’ve thought, “I want to be her/him”? Of course, some of us think it about multiple books and movies every month. It’s why I’m Hermoine, Harry, Princess Buttercup, and so many others.
Mother Reader, I’m so glad to know you’re out there doing that! Thank you for boosting the esteem of all those little ones who cross your path. Ole!!
I’m just thinking it made for a weird conversation.
Fleece Husband: “Where are you going?”
Fleece Girl: “The bathroom.”
FH: “Why do you have your suitcase?”
Robin.
Researching for a new novel?
Yes, Herb, there are all these random scenes that take place in public bathrooms. Doesn’t that sound like a great novel?
Patrick, how did you know? Trippy.
How? Intense research. I study women’s bathroom habits. Quite possibly you found a clean bathroom while traveling one time and now can only ‘go’ there. Inconvenient, and you’ve become camel like in that you store up for weeks before traveling to your clean bathroom.
There’s a certain comraderie in sharing a clean bathroom that prompts one to talk to strangers.
As the mother of a red head, I know that red heads, or “gingers,” as they are called in the UK, are strong minded, resiliant, clever and kind.
I find that when I am pay folks a compliment, which I try to do often, it rebounds on me with tons of positive energy. It makes ME feel great too! It is worth it for that alone.
I have to say that those little gestures really pay off — I try to make a habit of being friendly, making eye contact, saying “please” and “thank you,” paying compliments where appropriate (though to be honest, I’m not always good there), and just smiling. And now, when I go to the dry cleaner’s, or the deli lunch counter… heck, even the McDonald’s drive-through window (don’t hate me for my bad eating habits), I always get a huge smile and simple conversation in return. Just like they’re not some random service worker, I’m not just some random customer. I like to think we each make our days a little brighter. And when you think of all the lousy things we have to deal with in the rest of our lives, I’m completely grateful for that one really bright spot in my day.
And for the record, I never liked my red hair growing up — it was really hard to be different. Granted, it went more subdued with age, but now I wouldn’t trade my hair for anything. (Well, maybe *some* things, but not just anything.)
Oh that’s a way sweet story Robin! And you know what, I REALLY liked what you blogged!
I agree about the handwashing thing, it’s just gross people, a little common sense please? I don’t want your cold! lol
Dylan, high five on the hand washing! Thank you for doing your part.
Patrick, while it’s true I have preferred bathroom sites throughout the country, I (unlike a certain person who reads this blog and shall remain nameless) am able to “go” when necessary. Others seem to save it all up until they cross the threshhold of their own houses. But we don’t really need to pursue this further.
Bill, even though I’ve seen you, for some reason it never registered with me that you have red hair. Really? If so, you’re pretty low-key about it. And thanks for your report of being kind out there in the world. I love to hear about it and about the reactions.
Book Moot, I love the term “gingers”! I actually got to use that yesterday when I saw a woman with ginger hair. Thanks for giving me a new way to express the color!
By the way, when I told the woman I loved her “ginger” hair, she gave me the name of the bottle it came out of. So see, Belle and Bill, people want your color!
*highfive* My contribution to the world…. your welcome!
My daughter and I both love red hair. Ginger is good, too, or auburn, or yes, golden. I have a friend with vibrant red hair, brown eyes, and skin so translucent that she looks as if she’s stepped right out of a Pre-Raphaelite painting. She’s gorgeous, but it took her awhile to grow into her beauty, and she said she got teased quite a bit about her red hair. Whenever she’d see adults with red hair that came out of a bottle, she’d get a little bit cross, because she felt they were reaping the benefits of red hair without suffering through the childhood anxieties of having it. It was aorund that time that I had to confess to her that I had dyed my hair red a few times in high school. It did not look as it ought.
Anyway, I’m with you on the complimenting issue (and the handwashing, too). It costs nothing, and the blessings are many.
that is so sweet, i can just imagine this little girl with golden hair in two pig tails with an angelic face, who knows maybe i’ll end up using her in one of my stories
Saints and Spinners (um, can I just call you Alkelda?), I can totally picture your Pre-Raphaelite friend. Don’t so many of us want to be her? (Obviously, since many of us have turned to the bottle of red.)
Hey, and thanks for washing your hands. We can build a better world!
Carli, go write her! That’s where we get our ideas, from talking to strangers and noticing other people’s hair and features and behavior. Let your brain play around and then write!
i started writing a book about a girl with golden-red hair called Sara, so if you see a book on the shelves and the author’s first name is Carli, then you should read it
Amen on small compliments! They cost us nothing…not a single penny…and they often make the other person’s day a little brighter!
Oh, and as for redheads…they are my weakness. I’m a sucker for a redhead and even though I try hard not to show any partiality among my students, it’s hard not to be *extra* indulgent if the student in question has red hair. (If freckles are also involved, I’m a goner…that kid’s gonna get away with murder in my class.)
Oh, and I think I’m gonna start a new thing in Texas and start calling my redheads “gingers.” I love it!
P.S. Speaking of Texas, that’s why I’m here…congrats on your book being selected for the 20th annual Lone Star reading list! (Finished it last night and enjoyed it.)
Kristy, thanks so much for joining the conversation, and for the congrats on my book making the Texas list! I’m super excited about that, I must tell you. Glad you enjoyed the book!
P.S. Kristy, thanks for your teacher confession about redheads. We all suspect our teachers have their favorites–and why shouldn’t they? It’s no different than being out there in the world.
I think I’d probably be partial to kids who are missing their teeth. I think that’s SO cute!