The only post I really regret
Last April I posted something called “The Case Against Hugging.” I still strongly believe in one of the points I made: that we owe it to children to respect their natural boundaries and not force them to go kiss this person or hug that one just because they’re family or friend and it would be rude or mean not to. I think we do better when we allow children to feel how they feel about someone, and not try to teach them to power past that.
In fact, I spent some time last weekend with a couple and their 2-year-old daughter at a restaurant, and toward the end of the evening the girl spotted another little girl across the room, and went over and claimed her: held her hand, started walking around with her as if they’d been friends since birth.
The girl’s mother told me it’s so interesting to watch the 2-year-old’s reaction to different people. Sometimes she won’t even look at them or speak to them, other times it’s that instant “I love you, please be my friend” kind of thing like in the restaurant.
In the same way that I think Bear is an excellent judge of character, and barks at only the most sinister of people (or at anyone riding a skateboard, but that’s a different phenomenon), I think children are intuitive about adults. I’d rather watch and learn than try to bully them into “behaving” or being “nice.”
Anyway, so I still stand by all of that, but the part of the post I really regret is the part about me. And I didn’t know I felt this way until I reposted it as part of a meme a few months ago. I remembered liking that post, so I put it up again without really thinking. But then I reread it. And realized it isn’t true for me anymore.
I think–no, I know–that last year I was a lot more closed off than I am now. I was a lot more shy, a lot more guarded. Those of you who have blogs may know what I’m talking about: I really feel the blog has changed me. My interaction with all of you has changed me. I’ve opened up because you guys have opened up. And talking with all of you in this kind of a forum has smoothed the way for me to talk to TV and radio and groups of people in ways I never thought would feel comfortable. So without getting too mushy, let me just say thank you for that. I had no idea it would work this way.
And what I really want to say is that I’m going to be meeting some of you in person in just a few days, and I hope no one will remember that I once talked about not wanting to be hugged. Because that was Last Year Me. This Year Me is expecting to have lots of bone-crunching hugs from a long list of kidlitosphere friends, and if you don’t initiate it, I will.
There. I feel much better. Now back to compiling bios and printing name tags and taking care of all the last-minute business to get this 1st Annual Kidlitosphere conference off the ground. I leave for Chicago tomorrow. Jeans and t-shirts it is.
Technorati Tags: 1st Annual Kidlitosphere Conferece, Kidlit Conference, Kidlitosphere Conference
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:27 am
Well, you weren’t going to escape a hug from me in any case, but the permission is received with great joy.
I’m touched to be part of your journey this year and grateful for the opportunity - provided by you, I might add - to give you a hug in actual person.
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:50 am
Well-said, MotherReader.
Hugs all around!
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:41 am
Virtual hugs to you, sister!
Have a great weekend. Wish I could be there.
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:49 am
rb, love this post. not just the leting hugs into your life but “embracing” change.
so we have the dress code for the weekend and now premission to go for full body contact–awesome!
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:10 am
Yeah, I never knew literature was a full-contact sport! jk.
October 3rd, 2007 at 9:34 am
You might even need to go for one really grand group grope sometime — in between sessions.
October 3rd, 2007 at 9:56 am
What I love is that you are luring people closer before you possess them with the devil.
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:15 am
snort
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Patrick, did we not agree we would never discuss that?
Heather, I wish you could be there, too! But hopefully there will be enough blogging that comes out of it that you and everyone else will feel like you were there.
Annette, ease up there–I might still be skittish if you’re talking full-body. Same to you, Liz.
Emily, me neither.
Thanks, Mother Reader and Sara! You definitely have been part of the therapy.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:13 pm
AW sweet Robin!
It’s interesting how diffrent things can change our personalitys/ lifes isn’t it?
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Am I confusing what has been said here with a big public room filled with 100 people? MJG made me say it. I swear she did. And the butler too.
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Ohhh, I’ve been trying to avoid reading the posts about the conference this weekend because I CAN’T GO and hate feeling like I am missing out. Pout. I am a veteran hugger and, yes, I’ll admit, a social kisser, sometimes even in the air. But I am perceptive and I have good boundaries anyway, so I don’t impose. I would have hugged you Robin. I know all of you will have such a great time this weekend, that this conference will become an annual affair and I hope to be a huggin’ and a kissin’ there next year! ENJOY!
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:57 pm
“Group grope” — I love it, Liz!
I’m not flippin’ leaving without a Robin hug…
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Awww. See. Figures I’ll miss out on all this. Have fun this weekend!
October 4th, 2007 at 4:54 am
So I’ll miss out on a lot of hugs this weekend. Sigh.
I did go back and read your post about hugging, though, and it made me feel guilty about my almost 3-year-old (come November 5, I can drop the “almost”). She’ll gladly hug her grandparents, but the “greats” are a different story. She doesn’t see them often enough to feel comfortable with them, and yet they always expect a hug. I’ve felt torn between encouraging her to be respectful, open, and friendly and telling them to back off and give her some time. One great-grandma thinks if she hands my daughter a box of animal crackers, that should bridge any gap and start a hugging free-for-all. When I step back and assess it, it’s a horrible lesson I’m teaching my girl when I take part in shaming her for not being more loving toward people she barely knows. And yet they think she’s stubborn, shy, or even rude. It’s terribly unfair to a child, I think. Thanks for that post, whether or not you regret it. (:
October 4th, 2007 at 6:14 am
Oh, that’s good, because I feel like I’m going to have to hug everybody. I’m one of those people who hugs.
(And I did remember that post, by the by.)
October 4th, 2007 at 7:13 am
Sending virtual hugs….
October 4th, 2007 at 8:32 am
Big hugs, Robin! Just no sloppy kisses. Urgh! I never understood why grownups felt the need to give sloppy kisses. Kids are still practicing, but grownups should know better.
With grownups, I often wait for the other person to initiate physical contact. I have to laugh, though, when I remember the West Wing episode where the character Josh Lyman has messed up pretty badly, and then after he comes to a place of forgiveness with his supervisor, Josh makes a motion to hug him. “What are you doing?” his supervisor asks. “I thought this was a hugging moment,” Josh replies. “You thought wrong,” his supervisor says.
October 4th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
I’m a very shy person too and won’t talk to, much less hug someone I don’t know. But after college I became less shy. I now greet a lot friends with hugs, they feel more personal than handshakes. Children love to get attention from anyone. I have learned to judge whether or not a child is comfortable with being touched. There are tons of other ways to show love.
October 4th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
I’m not a big hugger, but that means that it means something when I hug someone or let them hug me.
October 4th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Dylan, it’s another reason why I believe in evolution.
Patrick, the things I was tricked into saying at my book launch obviously do not count in the real world. Anything I said there was within the Cone of Silence. Don’t you remember signing that waiver?
Deborah, sorry you can’t be here (I’m up in Chicago already). But don’t be doing that social kissing thing–that’s where I draw the line. I’m glad we could sort that out before a crisis.
Jules, of course.
Vivian, it’s so wrong that you’re not here! But next year for sure. We’re just working out the kinks before you come.
Kelley, I don’t pretend to know the solution to all of this. I can understand relatives wanting to hug an adorable child. But I can also understand the child not just going for it when she doesn’t really know those people. I just believe that it’s important to teach girls in particular that they are in charge of their bodies and how they use them. And if something doesn’t feel comfortable, they should have the right to say no.
Adrienne, I can now put a checkmark next to your name–hugged!
Sarah, I wish you were here. Next year?
Alkelda, I totally agree on the kisses. Kisses are for romantic partners, not friends. Love that West Wing snippet! Too funny!
Katie, I think that’s my story, too. Handshakes still feel right in a lot of situations, but hugs are feeling more and more right in others. It’s a process of learning your own comfort level, even in adulthood.
Yeah, Little Willow, that makes a lot of sense. Don’t withhold it when you’re feeling it, but also don’t just give it out because it seems like the thing to do socially.
October 5th, 2007 at 5:59 am
I’ve never been overly touchy-feely. Due to my height and stature, people often feel as though they can pick me up. All the way up. I’m not kidding. Okay when it’s someone I know and it’s a moment that calls for such exhuberance, STRANGE and uncomfortable when it’s someone I DON’T know.
October 5th, 2007 at 9:24 am
Are you saying you do an anti-social kissing?
CAREFUL PEOPLE! SHE’S GOING TO TONGUE YOUR EAR!!!
October 5th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
I think I know what you mean … it’s the thrill and honor of having people visit and comment … it makes you feel warmer toward mankind somehow. (Though if you ran a political blog like my husband, you might not feel that way … most of his commenters don’t exactly give you the warm fuzzies!)
I’m at a conference for work this week so won’t be at your event tomorrow, but I wish I were! Here’s a virtual hug for you and your entire amazing list of RSVPs … hope you all have a fantastic time!!