The Unforgivables
Yesterday’s walk down bitter lane about the pizza man who posted false and wicked information about the latest Harry Potter the day after it came out made me think about some of the other strangers and acquaintances I’m holding fierce and enduring grudges against. Like the woman who asked me at a party whether I was pregnant, and since I was merely fat I did my best to smile and say no (note to the general public: unless you see the baby actually crowning, NEVER ask a woman if she’s pregnant), and she still wouldn’t let it go, and kept insisting that I must be pregnant–I was newly married, my legs were so skinny, my stomach was not, surely I must be just a little bit pregnant–until I finally fled to the bathroom to hide out and rethink my wardrobe. No more skirts showing off my skinny legs. No more big jackets that seemed to hide a pregnant belly. Check.
Or a certain mother-in-law (granted, neither stranger nor acquaintance) who may have once hauled off at a family gathering and called me a Husband Killer (HK for short, when my stepdaughter and I reminisce about it) just because I dared serve my man a second piece of pie, or this boy named Dawson whom I had a big crush on in sixth grade, and who sat up in a tree and waited for me to pass underneath and then spat a big loogie in my hair–hair that I’d curled and put special ribbons in because it was MY BIRTHDAY, YOU PIG. Or this guy named Chuck who had a big scary obsession with me my junior year of high school, and then when he saw me in college (The Fat Years, also known as The Dark Years), he just told me straight out, “Wow, I didn’t recognize you. You’ve gotten so huge.”
Thanks very much. At least you didn’t ask me if I was pregnant.
The lawyer who made me so miserable I accidentally cried in front of him and four other lawyers and our clients. Another lawyer who was so shrill and unreasonable, whenever she called I’d just stick the receiver in a drawer and walk away. She never even noticed. She just shrilled on until it came time for her to dramatically hang up on me. She was going to do it anyway, whether I was actually listening to her or not.
Anyway, as you can see, the list is long (longer than you know) (so long I should be ashamed) (so long it’s really remarkable I’m in such a good mood most days).
Enough about my list. I’d be highly entertained to hear yours.
[tags]Grudges, Forgiveness, Getting Over It and Being a Better Person[/tabs]
February 3rd, 2007 at 7:49 am
I don’t hold a grudge, but these really pissed me off at the time…
My high school track coach, at my best friend’s father’s funeral the second year after graduation, asked me how college was going. After I told him I dropped out, he said “I’m not surprised.”
My Dad played in a friend’s company golf league and they got me an entry level job there. So one week I was playing, my Dad introduced me to another golfer at my company who said “Is this your oldest?”
My Dad responded, “No, this is my youngest. My oldest would be running the company by now.”
Can you tell I was a slacker in the early years? Wait, what do I mean by ‘early’?
February 3rd, 2007 at 8:57 am
Oo. Those are some good ones/bad ones.
February 3rd, 2007 at 9:18 am
Oh ho ho, I love this topic. As a shrink I’m supposed to be in the ‘forgive and forget’ business. HA! It’s bulls***, designed to keep people feeling ashamed of their feelings and shrink’s therapy hours filled and profitable.
No one can, nor should they, forgive and forget, that’s another name for denial (another psych term I’m not particularly fond of but it works here). That’s not to say anyone wronged should spend their day or nighttime hours engrossed in the glory of the wrong, feeling a victim or plotting elaborate revenge fantasies or actions. Well, maybe a little of the latter. Instead you’ve just got to take it in as yours, chalk it up to one more interesting sentence, paragraph or chapter of your life just as the happy and nice things that happen to you are.
Why deny yourself the pleasure (radical thought here: anger, hurt are pleasurable to the mind/body-we’ve just been taught they are bad) of parts of your life just because they invoke feelings of anger, hurt, grudges etc.? Maybe if could all feel a little more of those emotions, we all wouldn’t have to act them out so much. Well, our hour is up for today…
February 3rd, 2007 at 9:32 am
Whoo-hoo! All right, Deborah! You’re hired!
February 3rd, 2007 at 9:37 am
P.S. I’ve got a great list of wrongs, but the really good ones are not appropriate blog material. There was the high school football quarterback who asked me to a prom then several days later “unasked” me so he could take a cheerleader. Ouch!
February 3rd, 2007 at 9:37 am
(((Robin)))
I have a habit of emotionally blocking out the unforgivables.
February 3rd, 2007 at 11:41 am
My lab partner last semester that was a total flake and also didn’t speak much English. Yes, he did buy me Starbucks a few times, but that is hardly a fitting reward for watching the sun come up from the library window all those mornings as I did the work that he skipped out on. Sleep trumps coffee…most of the time.
February 3rd, 2007 at 11:50 am
Heather, you are such a better person than I am.
Deborah, the quarterback is on my list now, too.
Mike, how nice to hear from you!
February 3rd, 2007 at 1:02 pm
wow deborah–thanks for giving us all permission to enjoy a negative thought or two. you’re the kind of shrink we all need.
since i’m not the kind of person who can really afford to hold a grudge, i’m very good at letting go. however, there are a number of people that i just cross off my life list. in other words they don’t even warrant a bleep on the emotional radar screen. this was a trick a friend of mine in college taught me. i was complaining about a mutual acquaintence and how hard it was to avoid him and be around him as i had been privy to way too much of his ugly. my friend said “erase him–he doesn’t exist. i do this to people all the time, people who have nothing to add to me.” that was so revolutionary, my friend was obviously wise beyond his years.
unfortunately he “grew up” to be a full-on right wing, neocon, so i had to employ this same device on him.
February 3rd, 2007 at 1:14 pm
HOLD ON!
Before we put that quarterback on any list… Is his name Tom Brady?
February 3rd, 2007 at 3:48 pm
“Better person” might be a stretch.
Better at denial? Maybe. My ancestors where the queens of denial. Seriously.
February 3rd, 2007 at 5:35 pm
That would be were, not where…
Be thankful you’re the better speller.
February 3rd, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Whoops, sorry, Heather. I usually try to catch misspellings and fix them. I want everyone to look good on the blog.
I’ll try to do better.