This weekend’s hiking debate
When you’re riding in a car for a few hours, driving over bumpy dirt roads to get to a trailhead, then you spend a few more hours walking along in lovely nature with the sun beating down and not a lot of other distractions, you can get into some serious debates.
Yesterday’s was this: is it better, knowing yourself as you do, to avoid situations where you think you will be less than your charming self–situations which might cause conflict with people you prefer to have peaceful relationships with–than it is to just show up and do your best, even though the odds are this will only lead to tears?
For example, you are related to certain people, and there is nothing you can do about that. After years of grinding your teeth over all the idiotic, insensitive things they say–things which cause you to spend two days before the event dreading that you have to seem them, then all the hours during the event seething at them, then three or four more days after the event replaying the various horrors you were subjected to–you decide that something has to change. You don’t want to hate these people you are related to. You want to be a better person.
So the smart side of you says, “I know! I can fix this. Let’s just avoid all future situations with these people.” And the equally logical side of you answers, “Brilliant!”
And that works really, really well. You limit your exposure, you let others who don’t mind those people so much spent time with them, and once more there is peace in the valley.
Except–
People can’t help but notice your absence. It’s rude, they say. It’s weird. It becomes the subject of every get-together. “Where is she? Is she mad at us? Why is she so anti-social?” etc.
So here’s where we left it, on yesterday’s contemplative hike: One of the benefits of being a grown-up is that you get to decide how you want to spend your time and what people get a piece of you. One of the other benefits is that you are entitled to have peaceful relationships with everyone, even if that sometimes means you have to bow out of nearly every social event involving them.
But one of the other benefits of being a grown-up is that at some point you’re mature enough to rise above your petty little differences–okay, maybe not so petty at all in some cases–and not let them bother you so much anymore. You just accept people how they are–let them stare at you inappropriately, or monopolize every conversation to talk about nothing but their ailments, or delight in ridiculing you in front of everyone else, or whatever their crimes are–and you just maintain this perfect serenity about yourself and move on as soon as it’s all over. For the sake of, you know, group harmony.
So I ask you, you mature grown-up readers of the blog, where do you stand on this? Are you in Camp 1–the avoid certain people so you have even a shot at getting along with them–camp? Or are you in Camp 2–the buck up and take it, we hardly have to see them that often anyway–camp?
Technorati Tags: Relationships, Maturity, Peace In Our Lifetimes
April 23rd, 2007 at 6:32 am
I see things like this as a learning event. If you continue to have the same situation and you don’t like the outcome, change the situation. YOU need to behave differently. YOU need to control the situation.
This philosophy has lead to a new saying of mine.
Never play a game against Mike when Mike is the one telling you the rules.
And I think it is nice when people stare at me inappropriately. It’s why I wear a GIANT belt buckle. It draws attention and I get to say, “Are you looking at my…?”
April 23rd, 2007 at 6:37 am
I’m in Camp-3. It took me quite awhile to realize, but I/we don’t really have the time to waste with relatives/people we have had altercations with. I denied myself the company of people that I really liked because their spouse/brother/sister/whatever, and I did not get along. I regret the years that have slipped by during this self imposed exile. It has taken some time but now I just do my best to be polite, accept them for what they are and move on. Life is short and there is too much fun on this planet to waste energy on things/people we can’t change.
April 23rd, 2007 at 8:23 am
Whoa, Quig. You are FAR more evolved than I am. So what you’re saying is you go to these events, but just blow off the people there whom you can’t stand?
Sigh. And I was hoping Patrick was giving me permission to stop going to dinner parties where I know the host will try to kiss me on the lips.
April 23rd, 2007 at 8:25 am
Well, what’s more important? Your personal peace? Or what others think about you?
I know what my answer is.
But I don’t have a significant other to get along with and whose feelings and well being might be affected by the decision I would make. I’m sure that has to weigh into things, I’m just not sure how.
One compromise would be to make an incredibly brief appearance, claiming the exigencies of your new writerly status, but also stating that you’re not going to let it get in the way of family commitments. Breezing into one of these affairs and saying “Hi!” and “Gotta run to catch the plane (or train or bus or whatever) Bye!” could then be construed as a sacrifice you’ve made to see them since you’re determined not to let your new celebrity status get in the way of your contact with these people.
How well that would work, I dunno, but it might be worth a shot. And it’s a lot easier to keep a fake smile plastered on your face for ten minutes than it is for two hours.
April 23rd, 2007 at 8:35 am
Ah, well you do have my permission to do as you want. Avoidance is a solution to this problem.
BUT! What about dinner parties where you have no idea the host is plotting to kiss you on the lips? You are still woefully unprepared.
April 23rd, 2007 at 8:56 am
Oo, BJ, I really like that. I’ll add that to my arsenal.
Patrick, good point. Better to avoid all dinner parties, don’t you think?
April 23rd, 2007 at 9:51 am
And avoid free food? Hmmm. Well, that’s not a sacrifice I am willing to make.
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:06 am
There is a third possiblity from avoidance or sucking it up. Honesty. If you tell the host that you are uncomfortable with the kissy kissy thing what would happen. Either she would respect your wishes as a good host should or would be insulted and never invited you again. The latter being perferable to avoidance.
I believe that honesty no matter how hard it is is better than suffering. Choice 1 and 2 are both forms of suffering. I prefer to know why someone is being a shit to me. Particularly if I have travelled a long distance to be there. That way I can choose to modify my behavior or not be around that person. And there would not be any questiion why I’m not there.
The last time we travelled a long distance to visit with family we felt like lepers at a picnic. Never could figure out why. If someone is unhappy with us, I’m a whatever type person. I might be mad but I realize I have choice of exposing myself to that kind of treatment. I get over things easily. My wife is not. It looks like the next family gathering I’m require to attend will be me only and very short. I know its hard with family but someday I’d love to have a lay it out on the table talk.
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:12 am
Here’s my take on all this…
I am 25 years old, which, I like to think, means I still have a lot of party left in me. I’m also claustrophobic… big time. I love to go out, but sometimes when I go to bars I get freaked out by the massive crowds. My other half knows I’m claustrophobic and is kind of scary protective… to the point where he has gotten into “verbal altercations” with people who crowd my space in bars, restaurants, what have you. So, as much as I love to go out, if I am with my fiance I try to avoid places where I know there will be a large crowd because I don’t feel like a) getting freaked out by the people and b) watching Steve yell at the people.
So, I guess I’m in Camp 1… I avoid the people/situation!
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:52 am
Robin, I am certainly not more evolved than you. I am most likely about two rungs below you on the evolutionary ladder. Ignoring the people than have or will most likely piss me off seems to work. Enjoy the people that you want to see and the hell with those you don’t.
April 23rd, 2007 at 11:03 am
I’ve done Camp 1 and Camp 2 and have sorted through the pros and cons of both and all the resulting negative feelings. My solution is similar to BJ’s compromise. I find out how long I would have to be in the situation and how easy it is to escape if things get really tough. If it’s short enough duration, I know I can muster up the smile, charm, thick skin, ability to feign interest in incredibly boring things, and make everyone there feel as special as they need to feel. Afterward I will feel really good about myself, I will have enjoyed myself making the effort and even entertain the thought of doing again, and everyone I saw will think well of me. If an event exceeds my limits to the above (like being on a boat in the middle of the ocean with your entire family for a week), than I have to go out of town to work , kid’s sick, can’t leave the dogs alone that long, I have leprosy, whatever it takes…
April 23rd, 2007 at 11:38 am
I knew a woman who had this online group of friends back when the internet was new and they met up in AOL chat rooms ALL the time. It became this huge support system for all of them. After years, someone got the brilliant idea that they should all get together and it was HORRIBLE. They didn’t like each other AT ALL in person, and that then ruined their online relationship. (Although my friend Linda did meet the man who would become her husband.)
I guess my point is: Change the relationship to one that might work better. Skip the dinner party, the face-to-face commitment, “I’ve become a bit of a recluse, I’m afraid…” and instead have a penpal relationship — I think people greatly underestimate the value of handwritten letters. Or become email buddies. Or, simply let them go and wish them well. You don’t need to have everyone like you. Not everyone will like your books, and not everyone will like you, either. Which is a good thing, a freeing thing, to realize.
And remember — we like you, Robin! Online, anyway!
April 23rd, 2007 at 11:50 am
Ha, Laura! Glad you like me here. I’m really awful in person.
I’m loving this discussion. So many great insights. Thanks a lot. You’ve all given me A LOT to think about.
April 23rd, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Camp 1 is my homebase. I do have a time-share in Camp 2, but often sell it to interested parties when I don’t feel like vacationing there.
April 23rd, 2007 at 3:19 pm
Great, Heather. Sounds like I’ll be seeing you at the lake this summer.
April 23rd, 2007 at 6:30 pm
i learned long ago that there are some things you do in this life for one reason and one reason only–the person or persons you profess to love asked you to. the request may or may not be verbal, but you definitely got the message. so suck it the f*** up and do it, and do it graciously. it’s what 2, 3 maybe even 4 hours out of your life. so what. i’m not saying you don’t “correct” boorish behavior, “i’d really perfer it if you don’t french me everytime we meet”, or “if you what to get your,’racist’, ‘anti-semetic’,’sexist’, stride on, it’s time for us to say bye-bye”. but for just run-of -the-mill pain in the ass stuff, get over it, do the dishes. also be open to the fact that by shutting these people down, or out, you may be missing out on a potentially valuable relationship. that’s where herb’s valuable suggestion comes in.
if you try the honesty route and there is something at the core worth nurturing or salvaging, it will come out. if not, nothing lost.
quig is right, life is short, so never miss the opportunity to let your loved ones know you support them, no matter how much uncomfortable baggage they might bring to the relationship.
April 23rd, 2007 at 6:38 pm
“for just run-of -the-mill pain in the ass stuff, get over it, do the dishes”.
Annette, that’s some profound stuff. Seriously. Sigh. I have so much to work on.
April 23rd, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Annette has spoken.
April 23rd, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Robin, I’m also in a third camp. I would go, because I wouldn’t want to sacrifice the time with people I do care about. I wouldn’t put up with bad behavior, but I might find fun and subtle ways to respond to it. So rather than direct confrontation, I might put on my biggest smile and my most sparkly voice and my least aggressive demeanor, and then use my love of and skill with language to absolute crush my foe. Crush in a good way — all sweetness and light and you’d never know I’d actually done it, but later you’d have second thoughts about whether you really wanted to be a horse’s ass to me again.
Ah, life with language is a good thing.
April 24th, 2007 at 6:49 am
Nancy, you, too, definitely win over me in the maturity department. Thanks for your input!
April 25th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
No doubt in my mind, avoidance wins out above all other options. Why be honest and reveal what is really on your mind or bugs you? You are entitled to your own gripes or discomforts but the best part is not to let that irritating person know what thoughts go on behind your tinted glasses.
My personal strategy is bury a gripe away from your daily living and in a few months, years, pull it out and see if it still pisses you off. By then, you may have gained some insight or new tolerance and can deal with the ‘one who irritates you’ or put it away again for a few more years. I have a few vaults that I keep separated and look at them now and then. Mostly, I keep them in the vault. This way, I can have a good time and not be slowed down by those who bug me. Mature? I doubt it, but who cares?
April 25th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Yeah, MJG, you know I hear that.