Warriors in the Battle of Should
Somebody has to do it. In fact, all of us need to do it (I won’t say “should” do it, as you’ll understand in a moment). I’m willing to be on the front lines. Hope you’ll all join me.
I’m over “should.” Really, seriously over it. As in don’t ever want to hear it come over my lips again, don’t ever want to let it into my brain again. Should is a tiring, dirty, messy, ugly concept, and I can’t fully explain what has led to my utter and complete rebellion, but it’s full-on, and I’m not going back.
I was already on the road against should, sampling some of the scenery–the many pleasures of saying no to invitations and pretend obligations, the restful posture of someone sitting in a chair reading instead of answering a hundred e-mails, etc.–but maybe it finally came to a head last night when I asked my husband to please go to a party without me, and I stayed behind to watch Mean Girls and read a book during the commercials. (Extra points to husband for not making a fuss, even though I know he was disappointed. And even though I really like the people who were throwing the party, I’m just all partied-out right now.)
The book I was reading during commercials was Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. I do not have cancer. Don’t plan on ever having it, thank you. But I saw Kris on Oprah a few weeks ago, then caught her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer on The Learning Channel. She was diagnosed with cancer at age 31, and did not feel like taking that lying down. She jumped into action, did everything she could to take radical care of her body, and now she’s feeling healthy and vibrant four years later, even though she still has cancer. She will always have cancer–it’s Stage 4 and won’t go away. But it’s a slow-growing kind, and so far it’s not moving. Bravo to Kris–for saying ef-you to cancer, for filming your journey, and for now writing this book.
Two things I want to highlight from the opening pages:
First, a foreword by singer Sheryl Crow, who was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year ago:
“. . . What I was forced to learn, like so many other women I’ve spoken with, was to put myself first. To really honor myself by saying no to things I don’t want to do. This is a very new exercise for me. I have always been a pleaser of the most committed kind. The idea that the breast is very symbolic of nurturing and of nourishment resonates heavily with me because I, like so many other women, have mastered putting everyone else’s needs before my own.”
Second, Kris Carr’s tip #4: “Remove these words from your daily speech: maybe, sure, I don’t know, and–this is the best one–you decide.”
Kris goes on to say:
“Before cancer I was kinda voiceless about a lot of important things in my life. My common response to questions or decisions was, ‘Whatever you want is fine with me.’ Now I can get pretty mouthy ’cause I’m no longer afraid to say what I want and ask for what I need. And guess what? It’s okay to put yourself first. Everyone else takes care of number one, so why can’t you? It’s not selfish! Cancer isn’t killing me, it’s just forcing me to grow up.”
Cancer seems to make a lot of people grow up about their lives and how they’re living them. They suddenly feel like they have permission to take care of themselves, to say no to people and activities that they know drain them, to start saying to themselves, “Hello, sweetie, I love you. What would you like to do with your life today?”
I think this sort of change is normally a progression that comes with age. We get over a lot of our insecurities as we take on new years, and we learn that a lot of what we’ve been stressing about really doesn’t matter. Then sometimes a serious illness comes along, and it catapults you the next twenty-five steps ahead. You don’t have the time or patience to wait for baby steps. You want to be happier NOW.
I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress myself, particularly in the past year. I had some weird health issues of my own last fall and winter, and sure enough, they made me pay attention to things I’d been letting slide. Like, you know, my feelings and such. So I skipped a bunch of steps myself, and now find myself in new territory with new scenery to take in. Sometimes I get a little unsettled because I don’t know all the rules and customs in this area yet, but I’m enjoying learning. We don’t drink yak tea, we do wear comfortable clothes, we hug at will, and we take a lot of walks. The air is fresher up here, and we like to breathe a lot of it in.
And so now I find myself facing down the next obstacle in the road, and that’s all those shoulds that have been cluttering up my life for so long. I’m doing battle with them daily, vanquishing them one by one. Yes, pretty scary at times, because what will people think? What will they say? Am I being bad/selfish/thoughtless/lazy/self-indulgent? No, dearheart, you’re just being the Real You–the one who actually likes to spend lots of time alone, reading and thinking and playing in the imagination. That’s the girl I was when I was little, playing make-believe for hours every day, alone and so content. And that’s the Writer Me, who really loves spending her days immersed in story, whether reading it or writing it. That’s a good life–for me. You get to decide what’s a good life for you.
So that’s my battle cry for this week, this month, what’s left of this year: never shall “should” cross our lips. Time to let go of all that, and return to being who we really are, down here in the bony core of us. And since most of us are actually pretty friendly and outgoing at times, and kind and generous (once we’re well-rested and happy), I think the people around us will learn to adjust. The difference is we’ll do nice things because we feel moved to from our hearts, instead of compelled to because of some wrong-headed notion about what other people will think of us if we don’t say yes to absolutely everything.
You know what I mean?
P.S. Part of this is also learning how not to tell other people what they should do. And if you don’t think that’s hard . . .
Technorati Tags: Self-Care, Self-Pampering, Self-Kindness, Kris Carr, Crazy Sexy Cancer, Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips
… we’ll do nice things because we feel moved to from our hearts…
See, this is the utter truth, I think. People are so afraid that tending to oneself is selfish and that it means we’re flipping the world a giant bird. But I don’t think so. I think we’d just be more peaceful and giving in a real, true, loving easy way…
I said no to two personal requests to be on big “important” committees this week. I did worry for a brief moment what the folks who invited me would think of me for saying no, but it didn’t last very long. Those two no’s will make a whole lot of YES for ME. And more time left for the good *I* decide to do for the world and for the kids in my school.
I totally agree, Robin. Totally.
I say good for you, Robin! I hope that you’re able to banish the shoulds. I’ve made half-hearted attempts to do so in the past, and never had much success with it. But I completely agree in concept. There are things we want to do, and things that we have to do. But the shoulds… they can really get in the way.
I think that one could use an anti-should crusade to justify being lazy and selfish (in a bad way). But I don’t think that you will. And I, for one, would like to be inspired by your success (not that you should have to share, but I’m hoping that you’ll want to).
I said “no” today to a request that I write the team history for my son’s crew team. I told the very nice asker: “I write for a living and I love it. When I volunteer, I like to do something completely different.”
Which is what I did this weekend, standing for 12 hours each day selling food at a regatta. Okay, that sounds horrible, but it wasn’t at all. I was outside, I got to talk to people, and we made good money for the team. That might have been somebody else’s “should” but it wasn’t mine.
And for someone else, writing that history won’t be a should either. We’ll find that person. I think that’s the secret. And if no one can honestly say that they want to do a task, then we need to seriously re-think why we are doing it at all or if it could be done in a better way.
I talked with another woman at a book signing yesterday. As her 40th birthday present she got to fly across country to come to this book signing. She has two very active children at home, one with special needs. This was her “Mommy” alone weekend. After chatting with her I could sense that she has some challenges and that she was going to go back to them refreshed. I really applaud her for taking care of herself.
Several times I got away from my family and met an old college friend for some bonding and fun. We both went back to our daily lives feeling rejuvenated.
We all have different ways of taking care of ourselves-when we remember to use them.
Take care of yourself this week.
I love all your thoughts on this.
Sara, your comment reminds me of this section in the career change book What Color Is Your Parachute? It was about finding your mission. (I know I’ve talked about this before, but here it is again:) The goal is to find the work that you love, and that the world needs to have done. But you have to have both. If you’re a doctor in a leper colony, but you hate your work every day, then you’re only fulfilling part of the equation, and you’re taking up the slot for someone else who might have both the skill and the passion to do that work joyfully.
So I love your response to the request to write something for charity. So smart.
Readerdiane, that makes me so happy that that mother took time away. In her situation it would be so easy to just keep grinding away at her duties, never taking the time to refresh herself. We all need our oil changed regularly, machines that we are. Good for you, too, that you took time to see your college friend. Experiences like that really do refresh us for the long haul.
Jen, I’ll be happy to share. I’m really serious about this–I’m just so tired of living the other way. But as you’ll see from my P.S. which I just added, part of it is also reforming my own habits of bossing people around. “Should” needs to leave my life, period.
Mary Lee, yes! You said it: More time left for the good *you* decide to do for the world and for the kids in my school. We forget that saying no to the things we don’t want to do leaves so much more time and energy to do the positive things we have in mind, but never seem to get around to because we’re so busy and overloaded. Good for you turning down those requests!
Liz, love this: I think we’d just be more peaceful and giving in a real, true, loving easy way. I totally agree. Living at peace with ourselves adds to the peace of everyone around us. It’s the first place to start if we want to bring more joy to the world. Can’t do it for anyone else if we can’t do it for ourselves.
I, like many women have learned to do, vow to put Sheryl Crow first from now on.
Patrick, as usual you have gotten to the very essence of the post. Your insight continues to amaze me.
But now that we’re talking about it, I wonder if men have as much trouble with should-living as women do. What say you, token male?
Pass to my teammate Barry.
Boy, do I struggle with the “should” syndrome. But, I’ve been working on it too, Robin. What I’ve found is that I’m currently behind on everything, but it matters less to me. I’m going to figure out how everything fits into life as I enjoy living it instead.
I’ve been spending more time with the kids and really appreciating it, instead of rushing to get on the computer when with them. I’ve been reading and writing again. I still want to be of service–to do the web things I feel most important–but I also have to make it work for me. And, despite my initial thoughts on the matter, this is going to take me or month or two to figure out. And that’s okay. (At least, it’s okay with me.)
BTW – no, I don’t know what you mean.
Umm.
Do you mean ’should’ as in
a: I ’should’ go to that party because I am sexy and everyone likes me even though I don’t want to go
or
b: I ’should’ write that book I told you about, but can’t because the universe is being invaded by the death guinea pigs of Monta-Barta
Kelly, I know you are on the front lines of this lately. Take your time–you have lots of choices, and you get to decide what’s the next right step for you. Spending more time with the kids, reading, and writing all sound like wonderful uses of your time. And remember, as Annie Dillard said, how we spend our days is, after all, how we spend our lives.
Patrick, let your conscience be your guide. We’d all love to read a book you write. But I’d never say you should–just that you have an audience when you do.
The “should” thing has been a big part of my struggles in life-so many times,I’ve kept from doing what I want to do or trying new things because I “should” be taking care of this,that and the other.
The boldest thing that I’ve done in the past two years was to quit a job that was making me miserable(I held it for eight years and while it started out good,everyone on staff was just going thru the motions by the time I left)and making my health probelms worse. I’m still looking for work and feel bad about quitting(it was the first time that I had ever quit and the first time that I’ve ever left one job without having another one to go to)but on the other hand, I have had more time to work on my writing,which is something that I really do love.
It’s also given me time to actually dare to write a novel-I hope to be finished by early next year. It’s probaly not very good(haven’t had the nerve to show it to anybody yet)but that doesn’t mean that it’s not good enough to be published(atleast I hope so!).
The “should” deal is not easy to overcome but like most things,it’s a day by day process. I want to fight it back now,instead of waiting for some major trauma to jumpstart me into change.
Ah, I think I am saying it wrong.
I ’should’ defend the universe from death guinea pigs, I ‘want’ to write my novel.
I did not have a problem with ‘want\should’ before I had a universe to protect, though I will not claim that is because I am male. More of a space lord thing, I would think, you know, supreme arrogance and all that.
Nice post. I *should* perhaps write more of my thoughts in response, but…you know…I don’t feel like articulating anything much at the moment except to say that I embrace this anti-should campaign.
I always try to avoid saying I “have to” or “should” do anything. If I am doing something, it *must* be because I want to do it–either because it’s something I genuinely want to do or because I want to avoid the consequences of not doing whatever is in question.
I keep thinking I might read Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips. I love the way this woman has chosen to live her life. A lot of people think a cancer diagnosis means you have to put your life on hold. You may have to change a lot of things about your life, but you’re still quite as alive as you ever were. I’m glad whenever I hear people talk about embracing that life.
I participated in the 3-Day Breast Cancer Walk this past weekend and I saw a lot of “shoulds” go out the window. What you see there best of the best, throwing “shoulds” out the window and coming out for three days and celebrating themselves and others. Leaving their everyday lives behind them. People were there because they wanted to be, not because they “should” be. It also made you realize that life is SO precious and you have to grab life now and as Nike says “Just Do it”.
We are all not guaranteed a tomorrow…we need to live for today.
This past weekend has given me a new perspective on life…it usually does. This year more so than others. I have taken more time for myself. The 3-Day walk is just one thing that I do for myself and I have been taking more time for myself to write, read more, and take care of my health. Something that we need to do and not just say we “should” do.
Wow, what a perfect blog for this Monday morning! Bravo Robin!
I’ve got mixed feelings about this, Robin– not in terms of you banishing “should” from you life, but in terms of me banishing it from mine. There are times when I absolutely need a “should” in my life in order to do the things that really are necessary to establish some connection with the rest of humanity. I see so much advertising that say things along the lines of, “Go ahead…indulge yourself” or “Put yourself first for once,” and if I’m going to be honest with myself, I think that I do that quite a bit.
Currently, whenever I do something in a volunteer capacity, there’s a part of me that grumbles and complains that I just want to be left alone. What I’d like to do is exhort myself to be more generous and giving to other people in a gracious, unbegrudging way. However, when someone else tells me, “You should …” the grumbling burbles to the surface!
There are a lot of things I want to do, should do, overextend myself to do because I’m too nice and I know it, offer to do even though I’m busy, like doing, want to learn more about, want to help with, and want to turn from dreams into reality.
Shai, thanks for sharing that story. Beautiful.
Patrick, I say choose writing and let your empire handle itself for a while.
Laura, I know you’re already on that road. You’ve been un-shoulding like crazy lately (half-marathon, etc.). Solidarity, sistah.
Adrienne, I like that “must” theory. You’re right–if we do something, it must be because we’re getting something out of it. What I’m trying to look at is whether some of those “shoulds” are really “musts,” or merely optional. And yeah, I think you would like that book–a lot. Her film was so positive and fun, too. She’s a real sass.
Alkelda, I hear that–nobody wants to be bullied into being kind and generous. It’s only fun when it comes from the heart. I think you’re right that the key is to work on your own feelings of generosity, then letting them express themselves naturally. Down with bullying–it’s always out there, no matter what age you are.
Little Willow, it’s hard when people know you’re the nice person they can always count on–a lot of times people just keep asking and asking, assuming that when it’s too much you’ll speak up and say so. It’s hard to learn the speak up part, though, isn’t it? We’re always so afraid people will get mad. Sigh. A work in progress.
I’m late to this post, but I wanted to say I appreciate it, Robin. I’m another queen of shoulds who’s ready to reliquinsh her crown, especially regarding housework and, ironically, church service. It’s difficult to say no to things we’re invested in, especially if we’re particularly good at serving in those areas. But it’s essential if we’re to do a few things well and not work halfheartedly at too many tasks. That’s why I love what Sara said. I’ll keep that with me. Thanks, Sara.
I loved this. I’m often plagued by shoulds–usually the nasty kind that start early on with the adults in your life, and reappear as internalized voices should-ing at you left and right. As Mary Lee and Sara pointed out, it can be so hard to say “no” when there’s that voice saying “you should, you should…” To me, growing up involved (and continues to involve) learning how to tell the difference between the shoulds and the truly important things, and picking and choosing appropriately…
(I’ll let you know when I’ve mastered that, in about 500 years…)
a. fortis, I’ll be happy to check back with you in 500 years, but I think you’ll do better than that. Say, 500 months? (We’ll be neck-in-neck.)
Kelley, church service is a hard thing to give up. Don’t I know it. I took a leave of absence from teaching Sunday school back in May because I knew I’d be really busy the next several months. I tried to quit entirely because it’s been hard to have that as a set obligation every Sunday (and I’d already done it for 5 years), but when the moment came, I chickened out and went with “temporary leave of absence.” It’s definitely one of those “should” activities for me, because the church has a hard time finding teachers, I really enjoy it (when I have time), and I know the kids had fun, too. But sometimes I want my freedom!
So I don’t have an answer to that one. Check back in 500 months when a. fortis and I are comparing notes.