The benefits of being a grown-up
As far as I can tell, there are two main advantages to being a fully-formed adult. One is that I never have to share a hotel room with anyone but my husband if I don’t want to. I made this vow in 1996, after rooming with my mother on a trip to Chicago. I love my mother, but she has a snore like someone shaking rocks in a coffee can. Since then I’ve been perfectly happy to spend extra to always get a single room, even if it means missing out on some key bonding sleep-overs with other writers at writing conferences or my favorite cousins at family reunions. But a vow is a vow.
The other benefit of being a grown-up is that it finally dawned on me at some point that I don’t actually have to spend time with people I don’t like. I know this seems obvious, but for some reason it took a long time to sink in. It meant I could finally let go of friends who were mean to me. Normally, loyalty and history would keep me hanging on to someone, even if I spent most of our time together feeling edgy and defensive. But then I read this quote from Bruce Lee about surrounding yourself only with people who want to help you spend your time, rather than waste it. And it seemed that giving up a few hours every week to people who didn’t actually seem to like or respect me–no matter how far back we went–was a huge waste of time. So out with the mean friends.
I was thinking about this again yesterday while talking to my friend Carolyn. We’ve been friends since high school, and in some ways neither of us has changed. One of the things I admire about Carolyn is that she’s always been a lot better than I am at cutting loose people who don’t treat her right. In discussing the latest person she’s about to set adrift, Carolyn said, “I’ve decided she doesn’t get me anymore.”
By that, Carolyn didn’t mean the person in question didn’t understand her, she meant that person wouldn’t get the benefit of her anymore. And I happen to love that. She’s right. We all have a certain sparkle, our own particular charms, and the people we love and who treat us well get to have the benefit of everything we are. But if someone doesn’t appreciate it, or abuses us one too many times (which for me is apparently many times, for Carolyn far fewer), then we just remove that gift we once gave. You don’t deserve us anymore. Be on your way and good luck to you.
When Carolyn and I were our young, dreamy selves in high school, we were big planners. We had our lives all figured out: marrying young businessmen, buying houses next door to each other, raising our little ones in adjoining back yards, both of us with exciting careers of our own. All I can say is we weren’t very good prognosticators. But in some ways our lives have turned out much, much better than we could have conjured up back when we were fifteen.
One of the things Carolyn told me back then, and which has always stuck with me, is that if she ever found out her handsome young businessman husband was cheating on her, she wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t start a fight–none of that. Her husband would just come home one day and find everything of hers gone. All her clothes, any memorabilia, everything. She would never contact him again. She would be gone from his life completely. He wouldn’t have the benefit of her anymore.
Talk about impressive. Talk about hard-core. And isn’t that really the ultimate punishment? You blew it and you don’t get me anymore. Try to live with that.
Last night I finished a great young adult novel called Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. And not to spoil the ending, but it was pure Carolyn. Stargirl was the best thing that ever happened to the community and the narrator, but they couldn’t appreciate what they had. If you don’t treasure your treasures, you don’t get to keep them anymore. Justice.
Anybody else out there have that same attitude? Whether it’s weeding out the people who waste your time rather than help you spend it, or cutting loose the ones you’ve decided don’t deserve you anymore? Or are Carolyn and I just unnaturally harsh?
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I would have to say that Carolyn is unnaturally harsh, and I hope that there aren’t too many like her (me) out there.