Diagnosis: guilt
Two things happened yesterday that made me realize this is my next Big Issue to address for myself. Maybe it’s an issue for you, too.
So the first thing was getting a lovely e-mail from one of our blog pals saying she’d be gone for a few days, so if she wasn’t commenting on my blog, “it’s not ’cause I don’t love ya.” Awwww.
I need to send an e-mail like that to about a dozen people whose blogs I normally read every day and comment on at least several times a week. I’ve just been so busy these past few weeks, and one of the things that had to give was my leisurely reading of all those great blogs every day. I truly enjoy reading what y’all have to say for yourselves, and I like to get in on the conversations, but sometimes I have to tear myself away or I’ll never get my work done.
But I’ve been feeling really bad about my absence. I hope no one has taken it personally. And then I think, “Well, who are you, Princess? What makes you think everyone in the world is so focused on whether you’ve been commenting on blogs lately?” But that Guilt hormone or gene or whatever it is can be so be so persistent. So anyway, I’m sorry.
The second thing that happened was this heart-to-heart I had to have with myself about how I’m going to get everything done this week before I leave on my backpacking trip. In my true inner soul, I only want to do three things this week: finish revising and polishing my manuscript so I can send it to my agent by Friday; dive into the last Harry Potter and not come up for air until I’ve finished; and do all the packing and cooking and food-drying I need to do for this trip. That’s it. That would be a happy life for me.
But instead I found myself a few days ago accepting not just one invitation to a social engagement, but two. And even as I did it, I felt my stomach twisting. The thing is both sets of people contacted me out of the blue to say they’re coming into town and would love to see me. Well, I like them, too, so how could I say no?
But I have to say no. Because the truth is my work has to come first right now. It’s not just a hobby, it’s my actual job, and I’m thrilled that that is so. But it means if I have a deadline to meet, everyone else is just going to accept that. And I’m sure they will–I’m the one who’s the problem.
Because what I realized is I’m not afraid that saying no will actually be mean, but just that someone will think I’m mean. Do you get the difference? It’s a matter of ego. I want people to think I’m nice and polite and a good friend, etc., and so even if they would be totally fine with me saying no at a time like this, I’m still afraid to do it because it might ruin my image.
Which is why my grown-up, wise self had to sit down my little tiny self and say, “Sweetie, be reasonable. You’re going to make yourself miserable.” And I’m happy to say my wise older self won, and I’m confining my activities to the crucial three. And I am SO relieved.
Back in January, 2006, I copied down one of J.K Rowling’s New Year’s resolutions that she’d posted on her website. It’s now hanging above my desk:
“Be ruthless about protecting writing days, i.e., do not cave in to endless requests to have ‘essential’ and ‘long overdue’ meetings on those days. The funny thing is that, although writing has been my actual job for several years now, I still seem to have to fight for time in which to do it. Some people do not seem to grasp that I still have to sit down in peace and write the books, apparently believing that they pop up like mushrooms without my connivance. I must therefore guard the time allotted to writing as a Hungarian Horntail guards its firstborn egg.”
It’s great to know J.K. and I have at least one thing in common.
So that’s my Monday morning confession, y’all. Anyone else have issues like this?
Technorati Tags: Writing, Publishing, Guilt, Guilt-Free Living, Saying Yes When You Know The Sane Answer Is No
Well, here ya go: http://writingya.blogspot.com/2007/07/life-is-busy-art-is-short-focus-on-art.html.
Thought you might enjoy reading that, and I think you might like that Naomi Shihab Nye poems she shares at that post, which happens to be one of my favorite poems ever.
Wait, I’m supposed to be on blogvation . . .
Yup.
And I’m in the same boat as you until Labor day. I have a personal deadline and I just have to meet it. I will be so disappointed if I don’t.
Oh, ROBIN. I’m all tearful.
I really did cancel dinner last night and then I… made Mac try calling the couple back last night — TWICE — to try and say, “Forget it, we’re on,” (fortunately they’d gone out) and I sat getting things done and for the rest of the evening feeling horribly, horribly horrendously, panicking and silently screaming inside GUILTY.
You and I are totally, totally, TOTALLY on the same wavelength. I love the poem I posted on my site about this, but even as I posted it I was afraid someone was going to call out the Beeyatch Patrol and say “Yeah, that one doesn’t think she needs any friends or whatever. Take her down.”
Aargh. I am a real writer, because writer’s write. I have sold three books and several poems and a short story. I have a real job. How long does it take to stop feeling like when people ask me to mind their children “because you’re home all day” for me to stop feeling guilty and starting feeling… something …appropriate? (Sorry, sorry. That word should have been more ASSERTIVE…) RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. Or rage.
Sigh. Everyone’s on vacation. I miss everyone. Well, it’s okay by me if you take a break as long as you know that the wild and wacky Carnival of Children’s Literature is going on right now.
Oh, man. I’ll just get in line.
First of all, we’ve all got FMS syndrome (’fraid of missing something) and that can just get you in a heap of trouble.
Second of all, it is so true that people don’t seem to get that we need more than 15 minutes to work everyday. Y’know, we’re all so lucky ’cause we work at home and have all that free time…
Third of all, they invented Whole Foods for a reason. Go buy the dried fruit instead of doing the dehydrating yourself and use the extra time to sit with your muse.
Then take a deep breath and head to the wilderness where there is no competition for your time…
Sigh…
Tadmack, I just read your post on this and LOVED it. Love the poem, love everything you said (especially all the truth in blue italics).
Boy, don’t we know that “you’re home all day” argument? As my writer pal Barry pointed out when I was discussing this with him this weekend, if I had a job at a hospital I could tell people I’m pulling a double shift.
I think it has to be up to us to retrain our friends, family, the general public. Just because we work at home doesn’t mean we aren’t working. Your point about being asked out for coffee–yes! It sounds so simple, but you and I and many of us know that sometimes to write for one hour you need four hours of downtime–reading, thinking, puttering–before, during, and after.
That’s why I love that resolution of J.K. Rowling’s. Because everyone knows she has books to write. In fact, I think I’d be the friend saying, “What are you doing going grocery shopping or accepting invitations to tea? Please, get back to work!”
Heather, good luck! I agree, it’s important to stand by yourself and your talent by meeting deadlines you set for yourself. Go to it!
Jules, thanks for once again cross-pollinating blogs. You’re such a match-maker.
Alkelda, you did such a great job on the Carnival of Children’s Literature! I can’t believe how involved that all is. You must have worked long and hard on that (and I bet had to pass up some invitations to get it done).
Speaking of which, Liz, your comment made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. First with the FMS syndrome, then with the Whole Foods comment–too funny. What you don’t realize is that cooking and drying my own food for backpacking is actually one of my pleasures. I love to be somewhere remote, eating real food that I made with my own little hands. But I did compromise this year and order a few meals from a supplier whose food looks pretty close to homemade, so we’ll see.
Robin,I totally get the whole”I’ll be seen as mean” dilemma-it’s been a guiding force in my life and one that I battle constantly. You just have to remind yourself”I am entitled to living my own life”. A true good friend(online or in the real world)will understand that you need to get certain things done so that your world revolves around smoothly.
It’s just like those people who signed that petition to J.K. Rowling to beg her to keep on writing about Harry. Come on,now! The woman’s devoted over a decade of her life to these books-doesn’t she deserve a break to enjoy her family and recharge her creative batteries? Geesh!
I don’t write books for a living, but my office is in my home and even after almost 20 years of working at home, I still have friends and neighbors who think because my car is in the driveway that I’m home doing nuthin’. And when I have a deadline I have to very firmly tell kids, dogs, friends, neighbors and anyone else who wants to interrupt me that No, I will not come out of the office, No, I will not answer the phone, No I will not take you for a walk, and No, I will not make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when you can do that perfectly well yourself, etc, etc. And I do at times feel really guilty about it. But then I remind myself, No work, No eat and that gets me through. I have a harder time saying No and managing the guilt if it’s a non-working activity like reading, knitting, whatever. I’m still working on that.
I LOVE the quote from J.K. Rowlings. I’m all for hiding away from everyone until you finish your work. Happy writing!
Lady T, I hadn’t heard about that petition to J.K. While I understand it–I mean, I’d have loved the series to go on forever, too–you’re right about letting the poor woman rest for a while. She’s done enough for all of us, thank you. If never writes another thing (but I hope she does!), she’ll have already made a huge difference in the world of reading.
Deborah, I could learn a lot from you. I like your attitude! And yeah, I understand how it would feel different if it’s a non-working activity, but just like J.K. Rowing, you’re entitled to your down time, too. (Easy for me to say when it’s you, harder when it’s me.)
Vivian, thanks! Now I’m going off the blog and underground again . . .
Well, I certainly don’t feel guilty about not posting on blogs or forums. I just assume they aren’t as exciting when I’m not there.
Here’s my question to writers. Don’t you set office hours? Do you keep regular scheduled writing times? I would and have when I did my Fulltime writer experiment.
Sorry, I work from 8am-noon. Can’t help ya. Deadline approaching might be working until 3 or 4 this week.
Use a non-internet computer and seperate office to avoid distractions?
Things like these that make sure YOU treat it like a job.
Patrick, thanks for all the great suggestions (and you’re right about blogs when you’re not there, of course).
I don’t have set office hours because I’m basically in here parts of all day and all evening. Between the blog and my writing, I find I work best if I keep my time flexible. But I’m sure a lot of people would benefit from doing it your way–and it really would make it easy to say no to any intrusions during that set period of time.
I definitely trumpet the seperate room for internet computer and writing computer. That made a huge difference for me when I was able to swing it. Unfortunately, I can’t maintain that at the moment. This might be one reason why i’m not that productive lately.
I’d agree that blogging time is flexible, but writing time isn’t. I wouldn’t schedule ALL writing time, just a significant chunk. Who wants to stop inspiration?
Protect, protect! And no guilt.
Am I one of those other bloggers? Then I’ll tell you my news here — our 48-Hour Film won Best In LA!
And I read Harry Potter. And that’s all you’re missing, except that I sewed undies for my Diet Coke.
Happy writing!
Katie!!!! Yours is one of those blogs, so I had no idea. CONGRATULATIONS!!! That’s fantastic!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, Robin.
If you’re still swamped when the husb posts in online, I’ll drop the link off for you.