The virginity chat
I’m home! Little Bear (who, remember, is not little anymore, though he can’t seem to remember that) keeps coming into my office, like right now, and trying to climb onto my lap, he’s so happy to see me. Eighty-five pounds of Lab maneuvering onto my chair. And he brings me little chips of wood as offerings, as if I went away because I was angry he wasn’t giving me enough presents. So he’s been checking on me all day and night since I walked through the door, making sure all is well, that his pack is back together again and that he won’t lose me this time like he did last Saturday for the whole week.
Gotta love the Bear.
I’ve been reading all your comments about that wonderful school event in Ft. Worth yesterday (can’t believe it was only yesterday. My sense of time is so whacked right now). And since I’ve been mulling over something else that happened at that event, I thought I’d throw it out to you.
So one of the boys asked me why I’d made my girl character so “pure and perfect.” I said I didn’t think she was perfect at all, but I did make her pure on purpose because that’s how I was.
And that’s when I hesitated. Because even though they’d already questioned me about my own personal beliefs about God and evolution and religion–and I’d answered them as honestly as I could–I wasn’t sure I was supposed to start going down this new road about sex and non-sex, and if I did start down it, what I would say.
So I hesitated, but then decided to forge ahead.
“I really wanted to be a virgin until I got married,” I said. “I didn’t quite make it, but I did last a really long time. So when my girl character talks about how she thinks it’s best if she just doesn’t think about boys at all, that’s how I used to feel. Because you know you boys are irresistible, and so it’s just best not to think about you and be tempted.”
Then I shared with them the pathetic story of my first kiss, at 16. A nice, embarrassing story of how entirely resistible I was in the eyes of the boy I loved. And I explained that that’s why I like to write stories with nice romances in them, since in a way I’m giving my teenage self the kind of love stories I wish I had lived back then. I’m rewriting my life with each book.
We moved on to other topics, but I’m still sitting here wondering a day later whether it was right to talk about that. It just feels so . . . personal. But the truth is I truly enjoy having honest, real conversations with teenagers about all sorts of personal matters–love, sex, religion, parents, school, friendships–it’s just that I usually like that information to flow in only one direction. I’m here to listen, to take it all in and maybe give advice if someone wants it. But I don’t normally tell a room full of fifty strangers that I was the oldest virgin out of all of my friends. And now I’m telling all of you. Hmmmm.
I know a lot of you work with kids of various ages, and I’m wondering what you think of this. A friend of mine who used to teach high school says she thinks it was a good thing. I think I feel that way, too, but as you can tell, I’m still not sure. Would you like a visiting author to come into your class of ninth graders and go off on some tangent about her extended virginity? Or do you think the filter should have kicked in earlier, and it would have been better if I had avoided the topic?
Technorati Tags: Writing, Publishing, Book Tours, Author Tours, Virginity
rb, i’m no educator, just a former adolescent, former parent to adolescents and current parent to young adults, trying to find my way like everyone else. what i think your readers want (what i would want) and what they deserve, is honesty. an honest question was asked, an honest answer is called for. so go for it. i so wish i had role models as a teen that said the brave “dorky” things you are willing to say. no apologies, no qualifications, “take this bit of my history, do with it as you will”. i say, stay there rb. keep sniffin’ the underwear.
Thanks, Annette. And thanks for giving me the code for “I may have said too much, but what the hey, let’s go with it”: Sniffin’ the underwear.
I don’t think it was inappropiate,Robin-the question did come up in connect with your book and you answered it honestly and tastefully.
Speaking as a former teen,I think it’s good for them to know that it’s okay to wait if that what’s you truly want to do. Back when I was in school,the vibe was that it was weird to be a virgin(and it seems to be that way now)and I think that young people are more receptive to hearing that from someone other than their parents.
Thanks, Lady T. I appreciate the input.
“you answered it honestly and tastefully”
I say ditto.
This is a tough one for me. I’m writing a YA, and it is a mature YA. Because I was a “mature” teen.
I’ve decided to be brutally honest about the choices I make for my characters, even if they make choices I hope my own children never make.
Why am I doing this? Because I made those choices when I was younger, and had to deal with loathing myself for a long time because of them. But I wouldn’t be who I am today without having been the girl I was then. So I guess you could say I’m rewriting my life, too.
Good for you, Heather. I think it’s just as important for teens to hear what you have to say about that as what I do. And I think it’s especially valuable for them to hear both sides of your experience–both the self-loathing, and the “I wouldn’t be who I am today if not for the girl I was” part. I think a lot of girls feel the first part of that equation, and may not know they can feel the way you do about it now.
I’m still a virgin.
How brave of you to admit that, Patrick. Do your wife and child know?
Yes, they totally support my decision.
as patrick has shown us time and again, “virginity” can be a state of mind (or grace).
Interesting, Robin. Without going into detail, my YA books tend to be relatively “pure” as well, and that’s a reflection of my own experience. (I make up for it with lots of violence, though.) I know there are a lot of kids out there doing things I didn’t do, but I also know there are a lot of kids out there NOT doing what I didn’t do. I think you handled it well — honest but not judgmental.
Thanks, Katie. I have to say I did crack up at “I make up for it with lots of violence.” Something for everyone!
Patrick,
Is this the way of a Space Lord?
Robin, as a result of your fame with the book, and your presentations to them, you’ve become a role model whether you wanna be or not. Considering the kids have Janet Jackson and her damn nipple on the TV, what’s so bad about having you in their very own schoolroom up close and personal, and admitting to not losing your virginity until what’s now considered “later”?
I don’t see anything terrible about that.
The oldest out of all your friends, huh? Wow.
My best advice is to be honest because some of these kids really do have a good BS meter. I think if you say that this was the best choice for me without preaching about it, then the kids will respect you for it.
You have to remember that we are supposed to be preaching abstinence to these young adults. Hypocrites are us. I wasn’t the oldest virgin but I didn’t have a serious boy friend until college. When my own children asked I answered honestly, but I haven’t dared ask them back.
Having recently been in high school, I can tell you it is ABSURD the way sex is treated in schools – akin to religion. Like somehow NOT talking about it will make the situation go away. Except in the case of sex, not talking about it makes for babies, abortions, STDs, and kids who feel alienated and confused because they don’t know that’s going on inside their own body.
ABSURD, I say!!! ABSURD!!!
Luckily, my parents were always very open with me, and gave me the tools to make good choices. Thanks to them, I’ve never made a sexual decision I regret, and I doubt I ever will.
p.s. I’m glad your tour went so well! Sorry I didn’t comment at all, but it’s been a crazy week here as well!
Now, I don’t know if Robin should view that as a favorable or unfavorable comparison to Janet Jackson’s nipple. Either way, being compared to JJsN has to rank up there as an accomplishment.
Heather, the ways of a Space Lord are vast and often incomprehensible to the average person or even the above average person.
BJ, I hear ya. Thanks.
Readerdiane, love your last line there. Also, “hypocrites are us.” Talk about honest.
Lizzie, thanks for weighing in on this one. I agree with you–it really is absurd. Not talking about it won’t make it go away. Humans are humans, teens are teens, and we do a disservice by not preparing them.
Huh. Well, I was no longer a virgin by the time I was 17. And due to a total lack of honesty and input either by my mother or what the Health teacher was supposed to be teaching us in school (effectively nothing from either end), I was pregnant before I was 18.
Of course, STDs were the “relatively harmless” sort back then (I graduated from high school in 1965) – no AIDS etc. And so really the worst thing that could happen at that point was pregnancy “out of wedlock” as it were.
I however, far from being self-loathing or even particularly worried about the whole situation, simply married my daughter’s father (after having gone with him for two years by that point) and proceeded to go on my merrry way – though the first thing I did after her birth was go on the Pill (because I am NOT and never was cut out to be a parent and I had no intention of ever being one a SECOND time) – which yes, was available at the time I got pregnant: IF your parents approved a minor having it prescribed (no way in hell THAT was going to happen….) I’m to this day not sure my mid-vic-mindset of a mother knew what caused pregnancy herself…. much less that a sexually active teenager would be a good candidate for the Pill.
What I DID do was make very very sure that my daughter knew what she needed to know – even though we didn’t “speak” much at the time it became important. And I believe she’s approaching this in the same way with her daughters.
I live in Utah, and so you may imagine that the “pure and virgin until marriage” attitude is MORE than alive and well here. For kids brought up and truly involved in the Mormon church, it works pretty well.
But what happens here is there is NO ALTERNATIVE for kids who aren’t of that religious orientation/cultural mindset. Family planning’s hands are tied. It’s not a good thing….
Vc, thank you for sharing your story. It’s so useful to hear what other people’s experiences have been. I’d say you handled yourself admirably, and have done a great job making sure your daughter, and therefore her daughters, are well-informed. Yay!
Virginity is highly over rated. I would never consider buying so much as a pair of shoes without trying them on first. And marriage is so much more important than shoes.
Betty, I know a lot of people feel that way. I just want to make sure girls and young women realize the power they have to choose. I never want girls to view themselves or treat themselves like a piece of meat. I believe in dignity and conscious choice about how we use our bodies.
So if a young woman decides that this is the right use of her body, with the right person, and she has taken all the appropriate precautions against hurting herself (birth control, STD protection, etc.), AND she can handle the emotional consequences of being so intimate with someone, then she should follow her heart.
But it’s not a casual thing, and I’ve seen too many people experience the emotional damage that comes from acting too early and/or too often, sharing their bodies with people who do not respect them or treat them with the care every young woman deserves.
In short, GIRL POWER!!
Exactly. It is a choice.
A man who feels entitled is no more worthy than a man who feels you are unworthy because you once made a choice. Love and intimacy comes from the heart, not the vagina.