Two important sightings
So there I was, sitting in a back corner of Borders in a small town in Pennsylvania, wondering if anyone was going to show up for my book signing, when this face started coming toward me. I knew that face, but in a vague, where-have-I-seen-you-before kind of way.
The woman stuck out her hand. “Robin? I’m Diana Peterfreund.”
Diana! Squeee!! It’s just like how it was at the 1st Annual Kidlitosphere Conference a few weeks ago–meeting someone I felt like I already knew so well from all our months as blog pals. As anyone who came to that conference can tell you, it’s a really weird feeling to finally see someone in the flesh after sharing so much across the netwaves.
Diana drove all the way from another state just to come to my signing (actually, D.C. just got voted not-a-state again last month, right? So what is it?). I was so touched! I said it to her face, but I’m saying it here again, THANK YOU, DIANA! Really excellent fellow-author support there. You set a great example.
The second sighting was not nearly so nice. I sat next to a young man on one of my flights–a really nice guy who looked about 23 years old, tall, handsome, wearing a U.S. Marines t-shirt–exactly the kind of young man I see running with the ROTC kids when I walk the dogs on the university campus every morning.
Only this young warrior was damaged: Prosthetic arm. Prosthetic leg. Only four fingers on his remaining hand. Glass eye.
How do we feel when we see young soldiers like that? For me it was anger, sadness, frustration, embarrassment, regret, and back to anger.
I thought of the things I probably should say: “Thank you for your service. Thank you for your sacrifice. I’m so sorry. I hate what happened to you. I hate this stupid, pointless war.” And maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I was also thinking, “Why did you enlist? Didn’t you know this could happen? What were you thinking? Didn’t anyone try to talk you out of it? Did you know what you were getting into? Do you actually believe in this war?”
He was a cheerful guy, but not without an edge. I watched him try to maneuver a DVD into his DVD player with his thumbless hand, and I wasn’t sure if I should offer my help. I did, and he answered, “Oh, no thanks, I’ve got it!” and he did. He obviously aced his physical and occupational therapy. But as we all got up to leave the plane, the man across the aisle–who looked like he might have been an older vet himself–kept trying to help the young man put his backpack on. The soldier said, “No, thanks” a few times, smiling pleasantly, but when the man still insisted, our guy lost the cheery exterior. “I’ve got it,” he snapped, wrenching the backpack strap away from Mr. Helpful.
In the last few minutes before the flight was over, I felt like I should reach out and say something, just . . . to connect. But because I felt awkward saying anything meaningful to him, I made small talk instead–about the movies he’d been watching and what a great idea that was to bring a DVD player for the long flight.
“It’s my daughter’s player. She let me borrow it.”
“How old is she?”
“Two and a half.”
“Well, it was nice of you to buy it for her in the first place, so now you can borrow it.”
“She’s a smart girl,” he said. “She’s got her daddy wrapped around her finger.”
And I thought, that guy is probably so glad to be alive to still be with his little daughter–even with all his injuries. And I’m sure she’s glad to have her daddy. But man, what a sucky thing to do to a strong, handsome young father. I’m still angry and sad for him.
I know some of you have spouses and friends in the military. I’d love to know what I should have said or done? I’m glad I spoke to the young man, just person-to-person, but I still wonder if I shouldn’t have gone further and said some of the more meaningful things on my mind?
Would “Thank you” have done it? Or is just being friendly more welcome?
Technorati Tags: Diana Peterfreund, War, What To Say To A Soldier
October 15th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Do you know what each member of the military swears with his life to “support and defend” when taking his enlistment oath? The current President? His superior officers? The people of America? A particular political party? The current, ongoing war? No. It’s the Constitution.
I can understand if some want to make the case that we shouldn’t have a military at all (Quakers) but if you don’t want to go that far, and you think we should have a military force of some type, then the question becomes: who serves in it?
Right now, the only answer is: those willing to take that oath.
As to the right words/things to do, perhaps it would help to visualize that young man as a firefighter who had been horribly burned. Was he stupid for not knowing fire could do that to him? Should he have let someone else take the job?
He already knows people are staring at him, wondering. He already knows he’s a symbol of an unpopular war. Can’t he just be a person, a person who took an oath and followed through on it? Surely that’s someone worth getting to know in a little bit of conversation, as you did. Then you can say thanks, if you want.
October 15th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Funny thing about Sara’s comment is that public school teachers are asked to take the same oath, “to uphold and defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” The oath doesn’t say who gets to define those enemies, but when it comes to defending the Constitution I wonder if our troops shouldn’t have returned a few years back and done that battle here.
There are deeper problems at work in this country that haven’t and will probably never be addressed so long as we remain war-minded. Poverty and racism come to mind. It feels like a failure of our Constitution, of our educational system, of all religions that we have wars that people voluntarily go to fight abroad and ignore the fight at home. 9/11 showed us how eager we were to bestow the word “hero” on to people who put themselves (as the euphemism goes) “in harm’s way” without ever questioning the motivations of all involved.
But the gentleman on the plane is a human being. In uniform or out, a citizen. I would say be as you would with anyone else, no matter the disability or cause: help when asked, respect in all things, look beyond physical unless it is mentioned to you first.
October 15th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
“[P]erhaps it would help to visualize that young man as a firefighter who had been horribly burned. Was he stupid for not knowing fire could do that to him? Should he have let someone else take the job?”
WOW, Sara, I never ever thought of it that way. That frames it in a completely different light, doesn’t it? Thank you so much for hitting me upside the head with that.
I’ve been looking at people like him with this shame in my heart that we as a country keep on sending more kids like him over there to die or some back horribly injured. I hate that part of The Newshour on PBS when at the end of the broadcast Jim Lehrer says, “And now for our Honor Roll of men and women killed in Afghanistan in Iraq . . . Here, in silence are 13 (18, 22) more . . .” I can’t stand seeing their baby faces, or seeing the 35-year-old who you know had kids, or the young women who were proud to be as tough as the guys.
So in my impotence to stop this insanity at the upper level, I keep wanting to shout to those new kids I see doing pushups out on the university lawn: “Please! Go be engineers/lawyers/psychologists/anything instead!”
And I wouldn’t feel that way if we weren’t in a war. I’d think they were impressive and strong. Same with that guy on the airplane–I’d be impressed that he made the commitment, and happy that he was willing to defend and help this country.
It’s the fact that I think the war is so pointless that makes me react with shame and anger. I can’t help thinking that young man’s maiming was a complete and utter waste. And I know it wasn’t his fault in the least–he did what he thought was noble, and you’re right, if he had sustained those injuries as a firefighter or cop, I’d think, “You poor man, but thank you for taking the risk.”
I know my whole problem with young soldiers right now is my own assessment that it’s not worth the risk. But that’s just my opinion and my problem, not theirs.
Long way of saying, Sara, thanks for showing me a new and more honest way to look at it.
And David, thank you for your thoughts, too. I also look around me at the places where I’d prefer our country’s money to be spent: education, national parks, overcoming poverty, etc. That’s where the frustration takes over.
October 15th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
I think you did just the right thing, Robin, with the small talk, and talking to him about his kid.
Someone tried asking my oldest son who is career Army about what he thought about the war, etc. and how he could go over there and do all that is required of him.
His answer, without defending it or complaining or responding in any kind of a negative way:
“It’s my job. It’s what I do.”
I worry about him sometimes, when he is in the war zone, but I am glad he and others like him have chosen the military as their ‘job.’
October 15th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Judy, thank you for sharing that story. It’s really helpful to be able to see that from your son’s side. I’m sure asking a soldier what he thinks of the war isn’t an appropriate–or friendly–question for a stranger to ask. It’s probably hard enough to talk about within the family.
Now I have a question for you and Sara and Heather and anyone else with family or friends in the military right now: do the things I said in my post today make you angry–at me, I mean? Am I just one more ignorant civilian who doesn’t get it? Be honest–I really want to know and try to do better if I’m screwing up.
October 15th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
First of all, I am correct in assuming that you and Diana spent your entire conversation talking about me, just like the Chicago conference was all about me. No need to confirm, I already know.
I’ve actually had some pretty interesting conversations with Judy’s oldest son about the military and things that he has seen in his various military engagements. He does seem to make it to all the big ones…
Usually there’s more talk when her other son is around, who spent time in the military too, so they have a shared perspective.
It’s awkward saying anything meaningful on an airplane, unless you happen to be Heather’s husband… It’s much more polite to just lean over and watch their movie, without sound, on their daughter’s dvd player.
And I’m with you Robin, if we are going to invade a country, at least plant a flag, give them representation, convert them to PV electric and wind power, and charge them taxes. I say let’s take France next. They fold like a cheap suit all the time.
October 15th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Cool you got to meet an auther you like Robin! And what a tuching story about that guy! I’m sure it was totally hard not to just reach out and hug him! It’s kind of like when a person dies and they’re some how connected to someone you know. Like knowing what to say when the’ve been through this hard thing is really tuff. But I think just being there and having good feelings for them and being available to talk is the best! Or like meeting a famose person, just treating them like a normale person!
Anywho… I think I might be able to come to your writing class but I was wondering if i can and I brought your book… would you sign it? ^^
October 16th, 2007 at 4:14 am
Not angry, Robin. You just said what a lot of people think, but don’t say. Or they say it only to others who think the same, and never ask for another opinion.
And I would agree with Judy’s son: it’s his job. Not a political football to be tossed around.
In fact, military personnel cannot actively campaign for any political candidate or party…not even with a sign in their own yard. They are supposed to be willing to serve whomever is chosen to lead them. And many of them feel that it’s inappropriate to engage in a political discussion of their orders while still in uniform.
Here’s a link about it: http://www.defenselink.mil/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=25721
The most important thing, though, is to keep sitting next to soldiers. Even if you’re upset about what they do. Or feel uncomfortable or awkward or sad. They serve for all of us, even the angry and the doubting, and you should get to know them.
October 16th, 2007 at 4:44 am
I’m glad you got to meet Diana! What a show of support from her.
And thanks for sharing about your encounter on the plane. Sara’s right. You’re thoughts are those of many people. It was brave of you to share them with us honestly and to ask “what to say to a soldier.”
Sara, thank you so much for what you’ve shared. I don’t think we honor our soldiers one bit by chastising their choice to serve. We are in a huge mess, and it’s not right. But I will support our soldiers and appreciate their many sacrifices.
A member of our Sunday school class serves overseas. He has two young teens and a wife who spend many long weeks without him. Last time he was in town, we welcomed him warmly. I think simply hearing “Good to have you back” meant a lot to him. When he and others go, they are fulfilling their duty, just as we fulfill our duty by following through on tasks required of us in our jobs. Theirs is, of course, a matter of life and death, and for that I think they deserve our consideration and even our respect, regardless of our opinions on the war.
Thanks again, Robin, for bringing up this weighty issue.
October 16th, 2007 at 5:00 am
Kelley, Thanks for supporting that family at your church. I started attending a Sunday School class once while my husband was deployed. They found out about it and all showed up at my house one Saturday afternoon and completely raked my gigantic yard! As a thank you, I brought a few beers to the ringleaders in class the next day. No, they didn’t drink them in class! But they laughed at my gesture, and I stayed with that fun group for four years.
October 16th, 2007 at 6:42 am
It was great to meet you, too, Robin! (Check out my blog post on the subject).
I live near Walter Reed, and often when I’m out around town, I see young men and women fresh out of the hospital, some with new prosthetics, some still in wheelchairs, some on their first trip to a movie theater or a Starbucks since leaving the hospital. It’s pretty hard. I feel sympathy, and anger and the unfairness of injured young men, but I know why folks go into the military and I don’t feel political about it when I’m holding the door open for them to get their wheelchair through.
My brother is ex-military. There are a lot of reasons folks go into the military and it’s not my job to question why they do. Question the politicians? Sure. Not the soldiers.
October 16th, 2007 at 7:25 am
You know, I protect this universe every day from outside threats, like the nefarious gumdiggle invasion attempt, and no one ever shows up to mow or rake my lawn…
October 16th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Sara… Your bits on this discussion really made me cry. And that’s a good thing. ‘Cause I’ve been mad for a long time. It’s good just to feel moved and tenderly respectful. Thanks….
October 16th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
I am old enough to remember another unpopular war and how our country treated the returning veterans from that “conflict.”
I am truly against this war but it is the politicians I am angry with, not the soldiers who are called to defend because it is their job. Don’t get me started on pulling our local militia (National Guard) to go overseas. They didn’t sign up for Iraq.
I am glad for the reminder of respecting the returning men & women, and treating them with kindness.
October 19th, 2007 at 9:37 am
Hi Robin,
Yep, I started stalking your blog
What great sightings. How many ended up turning up for the signing? I’ve had a recurring dream since I was a kid that I became famous for something–was at an autograph signing–and no one showed up. I think that might have been a SATC episode, too.
Anyhow, onto the soldier. I read an interesting interview in GQ this month with Colin Powell where he says the following (and I think it is applicable here):
GQ: Isn’t the new global threat we face even more dangerous?
CP: What is the greatest threat facing us now? People will say it’s terrorism. But are there any terrorists in the world who can change the American way of life or our political system? No. Can they knock down a building? Yes. Can they kill somebody? Yes. But can they change us? No. Only we can change ourselves. So what is the great threat we are facing?